One year

July 15th

On nights were i am all alone wide awake
Nothing to distract me nothing to keep me occupied i am with the thoughts of many things
Sober or not they come in and i think
I debate
And i feel
I feel like this is how you process the things you go through at least i think it is
Its hard to be here sometimes alone with my thoughts for to long
Maybe thats what i liked about you
The fact that i could have someone always there every seconde of the day by my side in all my time
I didnt have time to myself at all
No time to think debate or feel
No thinking things through
Just day by day in the moment
I dont rember most of the year we shared together
Its all gone
Like i can rember bits and pieces of it mostly the good
But i can feel the bad feelings it's all right there but cant rember why i feel it when i think about you
I know you made me feel awful but i cant rember anything but these cute little moments we had like the time i whatched you drive and your face glowed in the sun you were imperfectly perfect
i looked at you and i saw you
I saw you like it was the first time the way your eyes took the right amount of light to make them look like a place i would hide in the ridges in your face a canyon i would concure just to exspiernece the journey your nose a hill i could watch sunsets on your lips the home i would kiss when i had a rough day you were perfect in my eyes
I never did say that enough how beautiful you are how perfectly homey you could be
It makes me feel something i cannot describe in words but a deep feeling
That you could hurt me and not even know it like it never crossed your mind that you could do such things
I have so much anxiety thinking about you
I have so many feelings
Fears worries you name it
My interactions have changed drasticly i have noticed i think its because of you
Like i tell myself
You shouldnt have said that they think you are annoying you probably said something you shouldnt have look at there faces you must have said something wrong but its not that way i say things fine i dont say the wrong things most of the time
I only had troubles talking to you and it shows in the way i communicate with others now i dont know how to feel about it honestly you are still a conudrume roaming in my thoughts regularly enough
And i am still going through it but it does get easier
healing am i right haha