Remember (Todobaku)

Chapter Eighteen

Bakugo kept struggling.

There was a point where he thought 'wow all I really needed was medication'. NO. WRONG. The medication only worked for a while. Not even for that long.

He never got a damn hug and he was in a bad mood. Not that the two correlated. Definitely not.

It'd been over a week of nonstop and severe anxiety, even with his medication. Sleep did not welcome him, either, even if he was ready to pass out from exhaustion.

Getting up from bed every morning knowing he got an hour of sleep, if even, was just as draining. The effort to be okay was still there. It always was. He tried the exercises and the journaling, but it wasn't helping. Even showering felt like way too much to handle.

Every day, he forced himself to get up. Whether he psyched himself up mentally or dug his nails into his skin to feel something, he got up and showered.

It feels like when he first returned. At this point, the only thing that would keep him asleep, is being knocked out physically.

So as he gets ready, he hopes training would be harsh enough to knock him out.

Recovery Girl still hasn't kept him from training, so that was good. That doesn't mean she didn't notice or take extra precaution. He feels like everyone noticed and was keeping a close eye on him.

Kirishima has gone up to him to talk about it multiple times, but each time, Bakugo finds it hard to give him any responses, so he eventually goes away.

Todoroki just spends time with him, even if it's in silence.

Sometimes, Todoroki will hold his hand and ask him what he needs, but he gets no answer, just a hand squeeze.

Todoroki takes that and Bakugo feels relieved every time.

Even as Todoroki goes on about whatever.

He's not a talker, so Bakugo likes that he tells him everything since Bakugo won't talk. Todoroki doesn't even take it personally, either. He just tells Bakugo to take his time.

It's so nice.

When his parents came for him to take him to therapy, they were shocked to find him so unresponsive. They hugged him, so he did get a hug from them, and yes he still needed it, but he would've liked a hug from Recovery Girl when he needed it then, too.

His therapist, Chinen, got him to talk a little bit, and discussed what Bakugo wrote in his journals in the time they hadn't seen each other.

After, though, Bakugo went back to being quiet, so Chinen told his parents to take him to other specialists again.

It was a lot of money that his parents were spending on him and so the suicidal thoughts came in again.

With the specialists, he felt like just another number, but didn't have the energy to argue or fight back or anything. He really just wanted to get whatever they gave him.

Multiple times, Chinen told him that healing was a process that takes so much time, so he needs to put in the work.

And Bakugo has tried to put in the work. Day after day he continues and he tries to be positive, he just doesn't feel right. He doesn't feel okay and it sucks.

"Bakugo?"

He looks up at Todoroki.

His heart beats fast around him and Bakugo likes that, but he doesn't at the same time. He doesn't want to be with Todoroki when he's like this. Doesn't want to be dependent on him for his happiness. It wouldn't be good for either of them.