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Detroit, Michigan November 5, 2000 ••••••••
Your eyes were heavy, shattered from the lack of sleep you hadn't been able to catch this week. It just struck a year, a full year of what was believed to be everlasting. Your hands started to tremble, eyes tearing apart at the sight of the chipped, rouge door. The faint music decaying in the background got you trespassing back to memories in the house, happier memories.
It had taken a lot of alcohol to get you to the door, the only thing that was consistent and knew that the poison would never cheat on you, just numb you. Whether you were actually going to show your face was slightly limited, a case of pacing up and down the porch thinking of reasons to leave but, your heart needed to know if Aaliyah knew what today was. After much debating, someone did the courtesy of letting you in. They didn’t know who you were but they were very worried, too worried for your liking.
“Damn girl, you look fucked up! You straight?” The stranger asked, slightly concerned about the amount of vodka that was left in the bottle. You didn’t really respond but your eyes began to wander the passage. Everything seemed the same, it was like you never left.
However, the moment you heard Aaliyah’s voice you felt like you were back in your shared apartment, legs tangled with reruns of Looney Tunes on in the background. You weren’t surprised by her being here, it was her brother’s birthday after all.
She hadn’t seen you in a year, but you saw her everywhere. She was in every magazine, billboard and article. Her successes were shoved in your face, from newspapers to radios. You couldn’t escape her, as much as you wanted to, she was always going to be with you.
For a second, you were steady enough to give Rashad his present until your eyes locked with Aaliyah and a tall slightly skinny brownskin male.Your body froze over like the surface of a winter puddle, unable to catch a breath. It took you back to a place that was still raw in your mind. The sight of her had your stomach sinking, the same feeling rushing through when you saw her in bed with another. You could still smell the fragrance the man wore, and the smug looking reaction on his face as he sat there looking bemused.
In your renewed silence, only your eyes were working. You tried to shut your eyes from seeing the intimacy between Aaliyah and the man, but you were afraid that once you did the tears wouldn’t stop. You weren't sure if it was the insomnia or just the sight of Aaliyah being so happy that caused the sudden urge to finish the bottle of vodka that was carefully caressed in your hand.
You outlined the reasons, granting yourself the privilege to give your body the warmth it needed to make you stay before the cake arrived.
Having to rely on a mechanism that would burn you down wasn’t the plan to begin with. Your friends told you to pick your addiction wisely. They knew the state you got yourself in and gave you several ways to cope. However, photography became boring and painting made you irritated to the point where vodka made something inside you sparkle.
