I Don't Belong

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I sat waiting on Curtis to come in with the food bricks for the train. I wasn't completely sure on what my answer was yet, but I knew I had to give him an answer today.

"Line up!" I heard the guard yell as they walked in the door. Tanya looked at me as she stood up.

"You coming?" Tanya asked and I sighed.

"Yeah, I will be there in a minute. I have to think." I said and she sighed.

"Come one Es, you know what you need to do for you...for Colt. Think of Colt." Tanya said. I just half nodded. I took Colt's hand and sighed.

"Can you go up with Tanya and get your brick?"

"Yes mommy." He said. Tanya took his hand and Timmy's hand walking up to the front. I sighed. I grabbed a bag I had since I got on the train and packed up the few possessions I had. I sighed and took the bag with me up to the front. I took Colt from Tanya, I pulled her into a hug.

"I love you, stay safe and I will do what I can to make this all better for you." I said and she sighed. Once we broke apart, I hugged Timmy.

"Take care of you mom okay little man?" I said and he nodded and smiled. I gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I love you buddy." I said.

"I love you too Aunt Esme." He said and I smiled. Colt and Timmy hugged and I smiled.

"Are we going with Curtis mom?" Colt asked and I sighed.

"Yeah buddy, we are. Just stay with me, okay?" I said and he nodded. Once we got up to the guards, I looked at Curtis. He saw my bag and nodded.

"Go guys, I'll be right there." Curtis said and the guard took the container with them and he walked up and Colt and I. I pulled Colt into my side and Curtis sighed.

"So, you made your choice to come then?" Curtis asked and I sighed with a nod.

"I'm nervous Curtis." I said and he gave me a small smile.

"It's okay. You walk with me no one will say anything." Curtis said and I nodded. "Ready to go?" Curtis asked and extended his hand for me to take. I looked back at Tanya who was standing there and she gave me a small nod. I took Curtis' hand and we walked through the door I had only ever seen the other side when they opened. As we walked through people were looking at me, I just looked at the ground. I didn't know what else to do, I was not a part of this life with these people. After we got through a couple of train cars, we reached a train car of nothing but windows. Colt let go of my hand and ran to a window.

"Mama! Look! Outside!" Colt yelled trying to see out the window, but it was too high for him. Curtis walked over to him, picked him up so he could see. I walked up beside them.

"I always forget there are kids who haven't seen the outside world before." Curtis said and I nodded.

"Do you even remember what is was like before the cold started to set in?" I asked and Curtis shook his head.

"Not really. I remember somethings but not much." Curtis said and I nodded.

"Tanya and I were talking about pizza a couple weeks ago." I said and Curtis laughed.

"Oh man...pizza." He said and I smiled. As we were about to start to leave the car with the windows the doors open and we were stopped by Mason.

"So, her and her child came...?" Mason said.

"You see me here right." I said and she smiled.

"Well, Curtis I came to tell you there have been clothes put in your living quarters for her and her son. We had to guess on sizing." Mason said and I looked at Curtis while he still was holding Colt and since he seemed content.

"We are living with you?" I asked and he sighed.

"I was going to tell you..." Curtis said and I sighed. I knew I didn't have any room to complain and my only other option was going back to the back of the train.

"Okay, it's okay." I answered and looked at the floor.

"Let's go shall we, get them cleaned up. I'm sure you will want to show her around more of the train." Mason said and I sighed.

"I will just work on getting her accustomed to things first." Curtis said and Mason nodded. We continued to walk through the train. Once we got to the living quarters we walked up to a door and Curtis smile at me.

"This is my place." He said and I nodded. We both looked at Mason.

"I will leave you to it then, get settled in." Mason said and walked away. Once we got inside, I looked around. There wasn't much, a couch in a little sitting area and 2 small bedrooms and a bathroom.

"Um...would you like to wash up first?" Curtis asked unsure as to what to ask.

"Um...can I get Colt in the shower or tub first then me?" I asked and Curtis nodded. He walked me into the Colt's room and we picked out some clothes for him to wear while he got excited seeing the toys and the actual bed for him. Once everything was picked out Curtis showed us the bathroom and I sighed seeing an actual tub and shower knowing it had been so long. Curtis left the bathroom and I shut the door, locking it.

I filled the tub up with water and then stripped Colt. I picked him up and put him in the tub.

"Sit down buddy." I said and he did. He enjoyed the warmth of the water and I smiled as he played for a couple of minutes. I started to wash his hair and he squirmed.

"Please stop Colt, you will get the soap in your eyes and it will burn." I said and he listened. Once we got him washed and dried off, I put him in the clothes we found and opened the door. Curtis smiled seeing him all cleaned.

"Mama, may I go play with the toys?" He asked and I looked at Curtis.

"It's your room buddy, of course you can." Curtis said and he ran in the room.

"I'm going to take my shower, if you don't mind." I said and he shook his head.

"I'll make sure Colt is settled." He said and I nodded as I walked back in the bathroom. I started the shower, stripped and got in. As the hot water hit me, I instantly relax but started crying. This was all so much. I watched the water run off of me and it was just brown and nasty, I just waited to get out until the water ran clean. Once I was out of the shower, I realized I forgot clothes and I saw a robe on the back of the bathroom door, so I put it on after I dried off and wrapped my hair in a towel. I walked out of the bathroom and Curtis was sitting there and saw me.

"Sorry, I had to borrow your robe, I forgot to get clothes." I said and he laughed when I smiled.

"It's fine, right in here is...well...essentially our room now." Curtis said and I sighed as we walked in. I just looked at the bed I was meant to share with this man I didn't even know. I couldn't do this, I couldn't be here, I didn't belong.

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