Not just a script! OiSuga

Chapter 7

[A/n: Self harm detail ❗️⚠️
If you choose to skip a summary will be in the comments as always!!]

Sugawara's POV:

-another two or so weeks ig-

The thing about self harm is that it's different to each of their own.
And i'm not talking in a physical sense. Of course everyone has different techniques and go-to's.
I'm talking motives. Reasons.

When someone asks you 'why', you start asking yourself the same. No answer comes to mind. In that moment, when someone looks at you and asks you 'why do you do it?' the world doesn't seem to make sense.

Of course nobody has ever looked me in the eyes and asked me that unanswerable question. But it hasn't stopped me from digging for the answer for some hypothetical situation i did find myself faced with the question.

I find myself reaching for my blades when i'm alone. And i don't mean empty house alone, i mean alone inside.
When the ringing in my head starts to play from the silence around me. When even my thoughts have gone on mute, or maybe just one thought on replay over and over and over again.
When, no matter how hard i try to think of something -anything, nothing comes to mind.
It's like my whole body shuts down and the only thing i can do is sit and feel it.
I fear this is what if feels like to be dead. Laying six feat under, not breathing, not seeing, not talking. Just laying in a small confined coffin with nothingness.
Alone.

I find myself dragging that blade along my scared skin again and again to find that excitement when the blood doesn't show right away but you can see the skin open.

I find myself lightly brushing the last nights cuts with my fingers to feel the bumps i was so proud for making.

All of it: it makes me feel free, excited, accompanied by evil.

Alive.

And being alive is addicting. It's something i wish i could feel all the time without having to open my skin up.

Oikawa Tooru changed me. With Oikawa i didn't need a blade in hand to feel. With Oikawa i am alive.
He isn't a cure. I still feel the bad feelings when around him. I still feel the empty yet heavy void under my skin filling my whole body. I can feel. I can feel everything. And I want to keep feeling everything. Even the painful, awful, terrible things. Because feeling things is what lets us know that we're alive.
And I want to be alive.
He makes me feel new things that managed to make the other things look like a pebble on the road. Happy, comfortable, loved.
But i couldn't be with Oikawa 24/7.

[A/n: ⚠️⚠️summary here]

The walk to Oikawa's house felt longer than usual. My legs and thighs were all bruised so each step felt like a punch, kick, punch.
I was feeling fine this morning. Perfectly mobile and ready for the day but then we had a really hard practice and my body really wasn't ready for it. 

Oikawa opened the door before i even knocked meaning he was once again impatiently waiting for my arrival. I loved it, as if he was genuinely excited to see me each day, waiting and staring out the window to open the door with a grin. The grin was contagious each time. I wondered if the butterflies i felt in my stomach was a mutual feeling too... probably not.
"Welcome welcome." He greeted, letting me in the house.

It was Friday, meaning we didn't have school tomorrow. Oikawa and I planned a 'sleepover' which includes doing nothing but eating junk and watching shitty tv. Oikawa would regularly girl talk about his undying love for Iwaizumi but i guess that's off the table now.
I still wore my school clothes but i had my spare clothes in my backpack which made me look like a turtle all day.

Fast forward to getting changed, exchanging talk about our days and newest gossip, deciding what to eat and bringing every single pillow and duvet downstairs to the couch: we sat, closely packed, under layers of covers in a dimly lit room, boxes of pizza, and a Netflix series on tv. I don't remember what it was called but something about three people with super powers or curses or something and scientist? I'm not sure.

As we watched, we both commented on more or less everything that happened. Which is probably the reason i wasn't so sure what was going on in the actual show.

Oikawa sighed loudly yet lovingly when this one character showed up on screen. "Gosh, isn't he angelic!"

I laughed, he was beautiful, actually. But his choice of words reminded me of a book i read and hearing Oikawa say angelic was very unusual. "He totally is, Ellis."
Ellis, the name of the character from the book. Angelic Ellis.

And what Oikawa said next made my heart do flips. "Glad you agree, Charlie."
Charlie, Ellis' best friend in the book.
I was probably over reacting. The fact that Oikawa understood and replied to my reference meaning he read the book that I recommended to him probably wasn't blush like crazy and hide worthy, but i blushed liked crazy and hid half my face under the blanket.

"You read 'Girl in pieces'?!"

"Uh, duh? I'm not just gonna throw away a book you gave and recommend to me?" He spoke as if that was obvious but most people i know would totally throw it aside and never get round to reading it.

I don't know why it made me so excited to think someone (well.. not just someone) actually listened to what i had to recommend, but it did. "And? What did you think?!"
By now, the tv was nothing but background noise.

"Horrifying." Was his answer. My heart that beated so fast suddenly sunk a tad. "But beautiful. I mean, the writing, the story, the characters? Beautiful. But Jesus man, shit was deep.." And thank god he continued to speak. I grinned at his evaluation. Talking book is like hard core flirting.

"I could kiss you right now."
And i totally could.
But, that's not saying much, as i wished i could kiss him all the time.

"Go ahead." He ducked his lips and tightened his eyes closed and it made him look like an adorable idiot.
With his eyes closed, i took the opportunity to grab one of the pillows and hit it right onto Oikawa's face.

[A/n: i read girl in pieces last month n i 100000% recommend it. 10/10.
i'm now going to take this as an excuse to list the books i've read in the last month that i recommend

girl in pieces - kathleen glasgow ( 10/10 )
it ends with us - colleen hoover ( 7/10 )
ugly love - colleen hoover ( 7/10 )
my heart and other black holes ( 8.5/10 )
out of character - annabeth albert ( 9/10 )
paris delincourt is about to crumble - alexis hall ( 8.5/10 )
then tonight i'm going to start 'what if it's us' - adam silvera + becky albertalli