𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ 𝐧𝐜𝐭 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 - 𝐡𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐮

⇛ 𝐂𝐇. 𝟓𝟒

"jihyun where were you? you promised you'd find me." jisung said when she stepped into his room, her hair messy and her throat dry.

"my mother is dead." she whispered, swaying to her left. she would have fallen if it weren't for jeno catching her.

"ji?!" he exclaimed, worried.

"i'm fine." she muttered and he helped her sit down on jisung's bed.

"what do you mean she's dead? i thought everyone was rescued."

"she was, but she's been sick for years. she got worse recently and now they have her hooked up on all these machines."

"so she is alive? she's on a ventilator." chenle said.

"she's as good as dead." she mumbled. "she's just a lifeless body. the doctors said without the tubes she wouldn't be able to breathe on her own or do anything. she'd just die."

"i'm so sorry." renjun rubbed circles on her back.

"i'll be fine. i need to be there for my siblings." she shook her head in an attempt to wake herself up and put on a brave face again. 

"how are you going to be fine? ji, so much has happened. there's no way you can be fine." mark said.

"i'll get it all out my system soon."

"that is not how it works." he argued.

"mark, leave it be."

"no, i don't think i will." he stood up. "i have not seen you cry once. i know you have cried with doyoung maybe, but he's gone now and still, you haven't cried."

"i don't need to cry. i can't be weak." she mumbled, getting ready to walk away from him.

"see, jihyun, you want everyone to think you're so strong and tough to break, that you won't cry like everyone else and that something like death can't bring you down. and its not your fault that you grew up this way, that the system made you think certain emotions are a sign of weakness. but, jihyun, you are weak."

"how dare you—" she gasped.

"you're a fucking human!" he yelled, making her flinch. "you're no better than everyone else, you're not stronger. you're allowed to cry over losing someone. heck, you can cry over getting a bruise. you just lost your cousin and now you found out you're going to lose your mother too. stop putting on the tough act and just fucking cry and break shit because it's pissing me off!"

after his outburst, everyone had gone quiet, watching jihyun's next move. her fists were shaking and she stared down at the floor. mark was right though. jihyun wouldn't let herself cry. yes, there were times her eyes swelled with tears, but she'd hold them back. the only times she had cried were with doyoung and only once with haechan and that haunted her for days.

"you think i don't know that? ever since the day i got picked at the reaping, everyone's always told me stand tall and proud, jihyun. show them you're strong and don't let your guard down, jihyun. you know what i've noticed? we always use the word don't so much. don't let them see you being weak, don't let them see that you're a fucking human who is scared because if you do you'll become a part of the dead before you even realise it. but i just want to curl into a ball and let all my emotions out. all the emotions i've been holding in since the beginning are trapped inside me, slamming against my heart and brain, begging to be released. so why can't i do that? i don't fucking know! i don't know why i won't cry! but i want to, i want to so fucking bad!"

"jihyun..." jisung mumbled. 

"what?" she snapped, turning to look at him.

"you're crying."