|A L W A Y S & F O R E V E R| B O O K 1

43||L e a r n i n g t o H e a l & F o r g i v e

Date: 2/27/16
Day: Saturday
Location: Los Angeles, California
Place: Mexican Restaurant

Russell
"How was therapy?"

"It went well. We had a good talk today."

"And what was that about?"

"She told me to work on forgiving the people who hurt me." I nod my head while eating my food.

"That'll be a big step for you to take."

"Yeah. I can forgive my cousins and the others, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him. He's caused too much damage to my life." I place my fork on my plate and give her my full attention. She rests her head against her fist as she moves the food around on her plate.

"I can understand why you feel that way. It's not something that'll be easy for you to do. Do it at your own pace, and forgive him when you're ready for him to be forgiven." She looked up from her plate slowly and stared at me with a blank expression.

"What if I'm never ready? What if I don't want to?"

"That's up to you, Ci. I can't tell you how to go about it, but whatever you decide to do, I'm gonna stick beside you." I reach over to grab her hand, interlocking our fingers and squeezing it. She smiled weakly.

We left the restaurant and went back to her house. She went upstairs to take a shower and I did too. I went to the guest room and headed to the bathroom. After removing my clothes, I put them in the dirty clothes hamper and stepped into the shower. The hot water slid down my body as I stood underneath the shower head. My eyes closed as I ran my fingers through my hair, the water soaking it. I grabbed my bottle of shampoo and put some into my hand before rubbing it into my scalp and hair. After washing it out, I conditioned it and rinsed it out after a few minutes. I gently scrubbed today's germs from my body and let the water wash the soap suds away. After I finished, I stepped out and dried myself off before wrapping my towel around my waist.

I dressed myself in a pair of sweatpants, a long-sleeved shirt, and socks before going downstairs to the kitchen to grab two bottles of water from the fridge. I made my way back upstairs and knocked on Ciara's door gently.

"Just a second!" She spoke from the other side of the door. I stood in front of it patiently before she opened the door to let me in.

I followed behind her as we made our way to her bed. After sitting down, I handed her a bottle of water, and she thanked me before opening it and taking a drink from it. She sat it down on the nightstand.

"Come here. Why are you all the way over there?" She blushed and crawled into my arms as I laid back on her bed.

I wrapped both of my arms around her body as her head rested on my chest. We lay in a comfortable silence and watched TV together.

Ciara
As I lay on Russ' chest, I thought about what he said. Forgiving them when I'm ready for them to be forgiven. After all the damage he's caused, he doesn't deserve my forgiveness. I know my therapist said forgiveness was part of my healing journey, but I don't see how forgiving the guy who raped me benefits me in any way. If anything, I think it would make him feel better, and that's not what I want for him. It's not fair to me. I want him to suffer until the day he dies. I don't care how harsh that sounds. Forgiving the person who's responsible for flipping my life upside down in the worst way possible does not bring me joy and happiness. In my opinion, I believe it will only make me feel weak. Defeated.

"What you thinking about?" Russ looked down at me in concern. I guess he felt my energy change.

"Nothing." I lied as I focused my attention back on the TV.

"You sure? Your body language changed. You seem tense." He was genuinely worried. I sighed and sat up in bed.

"I don't think I can forgive him. It still hurts, and it's not fair that I have to live with this forever while he gets to move on. Why can't they just hold him accountable? They always want the victims to give them forgiveness, but they never want to own up to what they did to you. Then you're the crazy one." I began to rant to him. He sat up and looked over me for a minute before saying anything.

"I get what you're saying, and you're allowed to feel the way that you do. The point of forgiving those that hurt you isn't for their benefit...it's for yours." I squinted my eyes at him.

"But how, though? I don't get it."

"I believe forgiving the people who hurt you is more about having the strength to do so. It shows them that although they put you through hell, you were still able to forgive them and move on. When people intentionally hurt people, they don't think the person will be able to heal from their trauma. They don't expect you to forgive them. They expect you to carry that weight for the rest of your life. They believe you'll be mad and miserable for the rest of your life. That gives them more power over you. So when they are forgiven... it shocks them. In the end, it shows them that you didn't let it keep you down. You weren't defeated, and they no longer have power over you emotionally or mentally. Do you get it now?"

"If you look at it from that point of view, then yeah. I guess so." I slumped over and let out a sigh.

He used his thumb and index finger to lift my chin. We looked into each other's eyes before he leaned in to kiss my lips. He pulled away, and I looked down at my lap once again.

"Hey..."

"Hmmm?" I lifted my head back up to see what he had to say.

"It'll get better. Just give it some time. When you start to heal, it'll be easier to forgive him. Just know that it wasn't your fault. He had no business doing what he did to you, and he's going to pay the price for what he did. It's not our job to pass out karma to people. Let God handle it. Once you start to heal, you'll feel better. Once you realize it was out of your control, you'll stop blaming yourself." I felt my eyes start to tear up and tilted my head back, blinking a few times to try to hold them back.

"It's okay to still be hurt by it, Ci. No matter how long ago it was. I know you beat yourself up about not being able to move past it fast enough. But the truth of the matter is, there's no expiration date on your emotions. It's gonna take some time for you to move past it, and that's perfectly fine. All you can do is pray, keep putting the work in by going to therapy, and take it one day at a time. I'm gonna be right here by your side through it all. You don't have to worry about me going anywhere. Okay?"

"Okay." I sniffled and wiped the tears that fell from my eyes.

"I love you, baby girl."

"I love you too."

"Come here. Let me wipe those tears."

I crawled over to him, and he pulled me into his lap so I was straddling him. He reached out to use his thumb to gently wipe the tears from my cheeks. Then he kissed both sides of them where the tears once lay, causing me to smile. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head into the crook of his neck. His left arm held my waist while he used the other to rub my back soothingly. I breathed out slowly as my eyes closed. Being wrapped in his arms is the safest and most comfortable place I've ever felt. He is my safe place.