An Imperfect Love Story - Book 8

Lena's Therapy

LENA POV

"I have to say I'm very glad you've been coming weekly, Lena. It shows your dedication and drive to heal and fix what's been broken, as you said in your words," Dr. Shoemaker says as I had been known to constantly cancel with her in the beginning when I finally found a therapist here in San Diego. It wasn't that I didn't think I needed it but I just had not found the time so to say between my kids, looking for a job and going to GA. Now, I had rid myself of the excuses for I knew I had to take care of myself if I ever really wanted to be a healthy friend and mother.

"Well, you've been helping me quite a bit, Dr. Shoemaker. I'm grateful you gave me a second chance. You really didn't have to, but umm, I called for this extra session because well, I don't know what to do about...about my ex-wife," I admit as I play with my giant blue bracelet on my wrist.

"Stef? Is she causing issues?"

"Oh, no. She definitely isn't," I laugh nervously as I try to build up the courage to admit what I came to admit. "It's been...quite the opposite actually. We...umm, we've been...sleeping together," I finally spit it out as my stomach turns and she removes her glasses and sets them on the notebook in her lap.

"I see. How does that make you feel?"

"Confused? Hopeful? Scared?" I laugh again as I keep playing with my bracelet continuing to feel the nerves about all this run through my body for none of it was very easy to admit.

"Why confused?" She asks as she listens intensely.

"Confused because well, I'm starting to feel things again," I admit as I clear my throat. "And I'm hopeful in some sense that it will go somewhere, but who am I kidding? I'm...I'm terrified it'll fall apart. I'm scared all we're good at is...is sex. And, well..I don't really know. I have many things running in my mind about all this."

"Like?"

"Oh I don't know just many things. It feels as if my heart and my mind are saying two separate things. If that makes any kind of sense."

"It does. That can happen very easily Lena. But tell me do you love her? Stef?"

"I told her I did. That's just it. We were...we were being intimate and I said it several times. It just...it spilled out, and I realized it after my mouth got carried away," I shake my head now as she nods.

"You think your mouth got carried away, or is it possible you were speaking a truth you are desperately trying to bury?"

"I...I don't know. I think...I mean, I know that I love her. I never stopped, but my fear of the whole Tess thing? It really crushed my trust in her, and I'm terrified to ask if she even talks to Tess now. I don't think she does, but I also don't feel it's any of my concern. She's not mine," I laugh softly now as Dr. Shoemaker nods again.

"Do you want her to be yours? Is that why you're here? For permission? Because I don't give anyone permission, Lena. I help you work through your thoughts and the end decision is ultimately yours."

"No. I think I just...I told her I loved her! Flat out. I don't think I'd have said it if I didn't mean it, and if I'm honest, I did mean it. I do, but ummm, I have this woman at work. Dr. Mercer...she asked me to call her Denni, and well, she's been asking me for coffee, and I came into work and she had given me two dozen yellow roses! I'm so confused! I want to go out with her, yet I love Stef. And I got angry at Stef when I realized the flowers weren't from her! BUT she came that day and brought me lunch. She's never done that before not once when we were married and she's actually showing interest in my art. I just wish she had been like this before and I wouldn't be so confused! Am I stupid?" I laugh now as I sit back and cross my legs.