An Imperfect Love Story - Book 8

Off We Go

LENA POV

"It's such a beautiful day for this drive isn't it?" Denni says as we were now on our way up to LA, and I pull my shades down looking over at her and smiling. After debating for what felt like hours all day, and after speaking to all my kids I decided to head to LA for the show. Even if it always felt like I was being selfish, and leaving a mess behind, I don't know if that was really the case.

"It is. I love days with a clear blue sky like this." I say as I feel Denni reach over and grab my hand.

"Lena, you say the word, honey. We can go back. I know this was a hard choice for you and like I said there will be many other shows. We can celebrate your birthday in San Diego sweetheart." She reassures as we continue on the highway and I am quiet for a bit. I don't really know what to say because I am so torn as she soon pulls off to the side of the highway and parks among other cars where people usually stop to look at the ocean. "Come, I want to show you something, darling?"

"Sure." I say as she gets out and rushes to my side and opens the door for me. Taking my hand I smile and she walks me over to the scenery of the Pacific Ocean. It of course is breathtaking as we continue to hold hands, and the ocean breeze blows between us.

"Highway one is one of my favorite places to think. I painted a lot of ocean scenes when my marriage ended, Lena. I found comfort in it, and in some sense it contributed to my heart and soul healing. My ex-wife's words could cut like a knife at times, and I was no stranger to being unkind during those times myself. I gave a lot of myself, honey, a great, great deal and I got so use to ignoring my heart.  I always wanted things to benefit Ivory, always, but when I wasn't okay, I couldn't be okay for her. It was a cycle in some sense, sweetheart."

I feel tears running down my face now, as I try to wipe them away before she sees them. But I'm unsuccessful as she turns to look at me, wiping them with her fingers. "I'm sorry. I cry a lot," I say awkwardly as she looks deeply in my eyes.

"I said something that hit a nerve?" She asks softly as I look back in her warm blue eyes.

"I tried that. I tried painting and growing a garden when I was...trying to heal from life's mess. I had severe depression which sent me spiraling, and it got to the point where I didn't feel like I could even be a mother," I admit in a whisper the last part as she pulls me to a nearby bench before taking my hand again.

"Oh, Lena. I am so sorry. So the painting didn't work? You said you tried that."

"I just..." I look down now looking at my hand in hers. "My ex was all alone with the kids, and all she saw was me painting and growing these gardens. And I get where she was coming from," I look at her now as a tear rolls down my face again. "But I felt like it was wrong. My art was wrong. Like I was selfish, and my depression didn't help me think very clearly. So I didn't understand why she thought I was so selfish. Truth was, I'd feel the same if I wasn't depressed. It's like a healed mind doesn't see life how  I was seeing it, and well, I think that left a slash across my heart. My art was...I felt badly about even trying once we were home," I spill out as she caresses the side of my face, listening intensely.

"I'm sorry you had to endure depression, honey," she pulls me closer now as I lay my head on her shoulder, and being this close, she smelled so damn good, and I wanted to feel her all around me. I never thought I'd want someone like this again. I just didn't as I turn my head to bury it in her neck as I close my eyes and let her fingers run up and down my bare arm. "It's ok sweetheart."

"I don't mean to be such a mess like this." I pull away wiping my eyes as she takes my hand again.

"Don't you ever apologize for telling me how you feel or for crying. I'm very aware that you have a sensitive soul and that is ok. You have endured your own pain honey, a great deal, and I want to be there for you. I want you to tell me more of your life at your own pace my darling and nothing you tell me is going to make me run. It just won't because Lena I have already decided in my mind that you are the woman I want to date and get to know and spend time with. My free time and my working time. I'd love to wake up to your beautiful face every morning at some point in our lives. But, in time and I hope I don't make you uncomfortable saying that."