An Imperfect Love Story - Book 8

The Night Before

STEF POV

As I lay beside Lena I am finding it hard to sleep tonight for usually just being next to her made me pass out almost instantly. I'm not sure what it is, but possibly that I had so many things on my mind ranging from hearing that Tess showed up at the bakery, to the shit show with RJ and just all the changes in the last few weeks. I wasn't fully sure what it was as I open my eyes and see Lena turn around and rest her hand on her elbow.

"What's wrong, can't sleep?"

"I'm sorry love, did I wake you?"

"No. I was up. I felt you, moving around a lot." She says as I sit up now and run my fingers through my hair. "What's the matter? Talk to me, babe. You know I keep telling you I care about you."

"Len I, I said a lot tonight. You have stuff too, babe." I say lighting a smoke as she sits up and stares hard at me. Gently she takes my hand and plays with my fingers as I softly smile at her.

"I love you, Stefanie."

"I know you do. And I love you, Lena." I whisper back as her eyes go right to my tattoo that I had shown her earlier, regardless of how stupid I felt about getting it now.

"It is nice, and it does look sexy as hell on you. You are sexy anyway, always were."

"Yeah?" I ask laughing.

"Yes, is there any doubt?" She laughs again as I puff my smoke and she grabs it waiting for me to answer.

"I should probably throw my tee-shirt on instead of this tank. I don't know what the kids would think. That I'm having a midlife crisis." I laugh trying to not talk about all that's in my head.

"You didn't answer me, Stef. " She takes another puff staring hard at me as I grab her hand again and play with her fingers.

"There was a lot of doubt. I haven't felt sexy in a really long time. I've felt like a drag, a complete bore, unattractive and basically void of all things fun. I felt like a lousy mother. And, I felt numb inside and angry. Drinking masked all that. Ya know? Until I felt nothing. Sure, I mean I felt, but when I stopped drinking it was the first time I have really felt, Len. And, baby I don't tell you this to make you feel badly because I want you to be happy. But, there were a few times I almost messed up in the last year, and if it hadn't been for my mother I would have. I'm not proud of that, ya know. So ya know, I hate that RJ's comments dug. They dug and hit where it hurt because that is the worst thing I ever did to myself, my family, and you. I didn't know where to put the pain of everything."

"Everything like what, baby?" She asks moving even closer to me now and continuing to hold my hand as she puts the smoke in the ashtray, and I look into her eyes.

"Things I couldn't even put into words. Losing my brother, losing Ryan, and...dealing with all that crap I grew up with and...." I am quiet now as she rubs my fingers.

"And?"

"Losing you. I had to find a way to deal with all that sober. Its been a bitch, Len. Every part of it, but I'm working through it all with therapy, AA, my sponsor, and Mike is up my ass still. I look at our kids, and they need us so much."

"I'm not gone, Stef. I'm right here, baby. And your brother, he's with you all the time. He loved you, and he knew you tried to help him. And you have reconciled with both Eddie and Lewis and I'm almost positve you will with Taylor, Ray, and Johnny. But baby, Frank Jr. was too far gone. You did what you could. And he loved you for that."

"I loved him, Len. I loved my brother so much, and I miss him every single day. I looked up to him so much when I was kid, and he was the one who told me I need to sing louder, not be so shy and let it out. Every time I hear a Beatles song my heart breaks. That's unfair of me, baby, you...you have photos of Will hanging now. I don't ask you how you are feeling about him, and..."