A/N: ya'll are mad quiet on this fic, huh
TRIGGER WARNING. I CANNOT STATE THIS ENOUGH. GIANT TW.
- self harm. it is the main theme for this chapter. do not read if you are triggered by self harm.- panic attacks(?)- also trigger warning for hospitals
once you've chosen to read this, i don't take responsability for any triggers. please stay safe and only consume content you're sure you can take.
A/N 2: I SOMEHOW FORGOT TO POST THIS ON WATTPAD???? OMFG IM SORRY NEXT CHAPTER COMING LATER TODAY AFTER EDITING LOVE YALL MUAH
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Tsukasa, you idiot, you idiot-
He rushed into his room, slamming the door shut as fast as he could. He didn't even know if Saki was home. What he did know was that the pressure in his chest kept growing more and more suffocating by the second.
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill- He chanted in his mind, almost like some sort of cult ritual. Desperately, he looked through his drawers for something, anything.
He had made Emu cry.
Sure, he'd seen Emu cry before, but not like that. She had been full on sobbing, needing Nene to support her, trembling all over. After waving goodbye to the rest of his (haa, can someone as pathetic as him even call such an amazing group his?) troupe, something in his gut had told him to watch for a while longer.
That same gut feeling was the one he felt was currently tearing him apart at the seams, and he had to find something fast before his emotions got out of hand and he couldn't deal with them on his own.
And then he found it.
A cutter; the ones usually used to cut paper or other materials for projects. The ones that should not be left in the hands of children at all costs.
He felt like a child. He was doing something stupid, stupid, but it had worked before and so he would do it again, no matter how bad he knew it was.
In this case, he was the paper.
Tsukasa brought the blade up to his opposite arm, hand shaking. Remind him to never study to be a surgeon, again. He'd fuck it up and end up hurting people.
'Doesn't change much from now.' The voice in his head sneered. 'You're just useless like that, aren't you?'
I am. I am useless. Everyone else around me is perfect and great and does everything well. I always mess up somehow. I'm a failure. A failure. He repeated to himself, losing his self-restraint as tears pricked his eyes and he sliced his arm.
He didn't feel anything. He did it again. He deserved this. He couldn't even get through a session of practice without making someone upset, or messing up somehow. He gripped the blade tighter as memories of him messing up during shows came back to him.

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