It's been what? 4-5 years since you've been gone? You knew I was devastated when you left... I loved you so much and I wasn't even sure if I was prepared to be with you. But all I knew was that I was gunna love you. And I know you come back and visit. I know you only want to see me because no one else sees you. I haven't forgotten you. remembered that okay, I would've never left you, like they did. I would've just loved you and take care of you like they have done. It's frightens me when you visit me and you leave me in tears every single time. I told her you have visited me and she had asked me how and so I answered but she had questions of how you looked and I answered them. we all miss you. I miss you.
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Wow. It's been a whole fucking year. A year with tears and pain and more fucking pain.
.....July, the month they told me, just give up you'll never walk again. The month I gave up on myself and thought fuck it I'll never walk again I'll never be myself again. I'll never do rowing or soccer again. I'll never feel the sand on my toes or the feeling of water and sadly I don't. I lost more then half my sense in my legs I can't even fucking sit for long or walk for long. Blood doesn't even rush threw my legs a lot. My legs are skinnier then my whole body from the weakness. They've lost life within itself. But I did it. I at least can stand on my feet I at least can walk to the car and walk down the stairs I at least can kick a ball maybe can't ride anymore or hike anymore or row again or travel without complications but I can say I can move from a place to another I made it. It's July 2015 and I'm gunna make my adventure I'm gunna party like no other and live it again. then worry the next day that I can't walk and wonder how long will I be in that wheelchair again. I'll be carefree because I made it. When everyone else told me I couldn't. I'll do my own celebration even if it means it'll be the last.
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You know what fucking bothers me. How when people ask parents who will be having babies, "Oh do you want it to be a boy or a girl?" They respond "Oh we don't care, we just want it to be perfect healthy" But they will kick their kid out their house in a snap of a finger because their daughter Jennifer is actually a Justin.
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Fuck I can't do this. No
Not anymore it's over.
I'm done and I'm sorry.
