hi
How are you?
I know for a fact no one reads this but I'm glad no one does. My own little journal. Seeing what I wrote 10 years ago scares me. Was I this horrible? Have I gotten better, a bit. I'm sober. I terminated my 4 year relationship by 2022 and I terminated a 9 month abusive relationship a month ago. I've stayed sober through it all. I finished interior design and went to an Ivy league school and became an international artist. Amazing what I've done. Seeing the life I grew up in and the hate i harbored for not having family and the illnesses i've battled. I'm glad I stayed alive. I go to therapy once a week, I respect human life and mainly myself now. I try to be a better human everyday. I'm learning to love myself a lot more and really be patient and manage my short temper everyday. Feels like sobriety but with emotions, I have to do the steps and maintain them. I have a great relationship with my brother and my parents. I forgave a lot. I'm working on forgiving myself for the horrible things I might've said or done throughout my life. I don't ask for forgiveness because i genuinely don't deserve it. The friendships I lost don't need to be mend, they were done for a reason, No matter how much i wish to reconcile. I'm learning to maintain the ones and mend the ones i have. I would say i'm still lost but in a more healing way. I'm lost in what my next job will be because i want to explore interior design. I have my own apartment and i'm lost on how it will look in a year. I'm lost but i have people who care around me to hold my hand. I'm lost on who i'll be with and what kinda of career driven individual i'll be. But i'm not lost like the child i was once. I see the scars that have now faded, if i don't tan you won't even notice they're there, I think, thank the universe I surpassed it. Thank the universe i'm not this lost. Hopefully i keep updating this. It's beautiful to see me grow. The trauma i endured sadly forbid me to create or remember any memories of my past. Like i didn't exist for 10 years. This book is all i have of emotions i cannot find.
So a note to myself for when i update this.
Please take care of yourself.
Please remember Gen and Syd and what you did.
Please take accountability and responsibility.
Stop thinking you're alone and stop thinking you can do it alone.
I hope mom and dad know.
I hope August and Kyleen are with you and Mara too. Take good care of them as they do you.
I hope you reconcile with Syd but i do know you might never reach out until they do.
I hope you continue therapy and you listen.
Listen well to what you hear, grow in your career, appreciate the moments. I hope you find the love your crave.
Most importantly, i hope you find forgiveness in yourself and peace. We deserve it. We truly do.
This is my first time addressing myself. I hope i forget so it matters when i come back. Take care and love yourself. You're worth it.
12/13/2023
remember this date
i wish you remembered all this because maybe what happened today wouldn't have happened. You didn't not cause or make your partner get arrested but honey you sure made the b-line to it.
jesseanne she wanted a child named julianne yk. you broke her like you broke syd and gen. maybe you're the abusive type. idk what's wrong with you dawg but the insecurity and the fear and the mental illness really took the possible love of your life. you can't fix this no amount of glued or sorries or nothing. you really burned this one. why. why do you do that. you had it so good. little shop of horrors will now have a different meaning tbh. i have no words right now for you tbh none at all. i do have one thing for you though that if this poor girl forgives you and makes the steps with tou. you have to change and you have to change NOW this was really good. why why did you do that.
may god be on your side dude may god truly be on your side and you work this out
