Anxiety [hp]

- 2.6

[The students are seated in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, decorated with portraits of its owner: Gilderoy Lockhart; the door to the office opens and Lockhart walks out.]

"Self-absorbed much?" Barty snorted.

Lockhart: Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: me, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force
Defense League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award -- But I
don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!

"Now that just sounds like a lie." A random Ravenclaw stated.

[Lockhart awaits laughter. A few students smile weakly. Avery slightly gags at his smile, her friends snort loudly accidentally.]

Lockhart: I see you've all bought a complete set of my books. Well done. I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about. Just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in...

[Lockhart begins to circulate papers. He hands some to Hermione, who blushes to Susan Bones next to her. Harry and Ron examine the questions. Ron whispers to Harry.]

Ron: Look at these questions. They're all about him.

Harry: 'What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?'

Ron: 'What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?'

"What type of bullshit establishment is Dumbledore running?" Bellatrix scolded.

"Oi, Auntie Bells... It gets worse." Jasper stated.

Harry: 'When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday and what would his ideal gift be?'

Jasper: [leans up to the two in front him] You believe Moon now?

Avery: Wake me up when this class is over. [she burys her head in her arms on her desk]

"I honestly would've done the same." Marlene muttered.

Lockhart: You have thirty minutes. Start -- now!

[As quills begin to dart across pages, we dissolve to the same scene later. Lockhart rifles through the completed exams.]

Lockhart: Tut, tut. Hardly any of you remembered my favorite color is lilac. But Miss Hermione Granger knew that my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair care potions. Good girl.

Jasper: [mutters] That was highly inappropriate in my mind.

"He beat me by two seconds!" Sirius, Dorcas, and Evan shouted.

[Hermione beams. Lockhart's expression suddenly darkens.]

Lockhart: Now... be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourself facing your own worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here... [With a showman's flair, Lockhart turns slowly to the cage.] I must ask you not to scream. It might provoke them.

[A pale Neville draws back. Harry and Ron lean forward. Lockhart lets the tension build, then whips off the cover. Inside the cage are several electric blue creatures. Eight inches tall, with pointed faces and wings, they rattle the bars and pull bizarre faces at the students.
Unable tocontrol himself, Seamus snorts with laughter.]

Seamus: Cornish pixies?

Lockhart: Freshly caught Cornish pixies. Laugh if you will, Mr. Finnegan, but pixies can be devilishly tricky little blighters. Let's see what you make of them now! [Lockhart flings open the cage. Instantly, the pixies rocket about, spraying the students with ink bottles, breaking beakers and shredding books. Two seize Neville by the ears, lift him into the air, and begin to circle the ceiling.] Come on now, round them up, round them up. They're only pixies.(brandishing his wand) Peskipiski Pesternomi!