Hiding The Mafia Boss Son (COMPLETED)

03

I got shattered.

That's the only thing for sure. I'm shattered and no one can fix those brokenness. I tried. I tried to heal. I tried to be fix myself. I tried to overcome those traumatizing memories.

But whenever I come back, whenever I close my eyes, I'm seeing the blood of my own mother, how she took her own life in my beloved court, how my sister died and how my grandmother protected me.

And I vow to myself, I will never be happy again.

Bawal ako sumaya. I forbid myself to be happy.

"Walang ka kwenta!" galit na galit na sabi ni Papa.

I saw the guilty and tears in my siblings eyes. As much as I want comfort them I can't.

Nangangalati sa galit si Papa na pumasok ulit sa bahay. Dumiretso siya sa kwarto ko at kinuha ang mga damit ko. Dali-dali niya ito tinapos sa labas ng bahay.

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying.

"Papa, ano ginagawa niyo?" puno ng pagsasamong tanong ng kapatid ko.

"Leave my house! You are no longer my daughter! You're just a mere murderer who killed her own family!" galit niyang nilabas ang papel na tuluyan sisira sa akin. "See this?! You're no longer my daughter. Inalis ko na ang pangalan mo sa family registration office. Hindi kita mapapatawad. Dahil sa'yo nasira ang pamilya ko!" he said full of anger.

Humakbang ako papalapit sa kanya. "You don't need to hurt me because you have no idea how I hurt myself and loathe my own life! You have no idea how I tried to end my own breathing just to satisfied this little voice in my head! Walang araw na hindi ako nagmaka-awa na sana ako na lang. Walang kang alam kung ilang beses ko sinisi ang sarili ko hanggang ngayon. You don't need to hurt me and make me suffer because I'm already shattered."

Durog na durog na ako. Ubos na ubos. I can't no longer see myself being happy and appreciating my life.

"Then. Leave. My. House," diin niya.

"Papa!" my siblings cried.

Wala sa sarili ako naglakad. Hindi ko siya masisisi. He is grieving for our family and like him, I blame myself for what happened.

I cried silently as I walk away from them. When I was young, I always imagined how if felt to walk away from your home. To the place I once called home. Hindi ko inaakala na ganito pala kapait at kasakit.

Narinig ko pa ang sigaw ng mga kapatid ko at hagulgol nila. But in order to save my father, I need to stay away from him to trigger his emotions. This is the least I can do as someones daughter.

At this moment, I'm severely wounded. I can nearly consider myself as shattered.

Dahil sa sobrang pagod at sakit, hindi ko na nagawa pa magpatuloy. Nasa malayong kalye na ako sa amin nang nanghihina akong napalunod sa kalsada. I was begging on my knees in Him, sana sa mga panahon na ito ay pakinggan niya ako. I want to end my life, I want to end my story, this story. I am severely hurt, a shattered pieces and I can no longer see myself as complete piece. Masyado nakakapagod, nanghihina.

"Patayin mo na ako!" I cried and beg more.

I don't get it, bakit niya pa ako binubuhay kung walang araw na magdudusa ako? Pagod na pagod na ako.

I'm begging on my knees in God, if he can't end my life then I will! I'm more willing to end this pain. I immediately get my swiss knife and attempted to kill my own life. Walang awa at walang takot ko sinugatan ang sarili ko hanggang sa maramdamam ko ang sarili kong dugo na bumabalot sa aking pagkatao. I more desperate to end my own life.

I closed my eyes, as I attempting my suicide. I've been in this hell for too long. Walang nakapansin, walang nakapuna. Walang yumakap, walang nagtanong kong ayos lang ba ako, walang sumama at walang kumapit. I just want to end the pain.

Behind those suicidal person, are fighters who once fight, who once begged for help and once kneeled to have someone to cry with but no come. No one listened and no tried to save us. Behind those suicidal person are people who cared and loved so much. We don't want to end our lives, we are just tired of fighting and surviving. You will ever understand the pain unless you experience the same agony.

The last thing I knew, I lost my consciousness.

       NAPAMULAT ako ng may isang liwanag na tumama sa aking mga mata. I smiled bitterly knowing how much I suffered and sacrifice just to see this kind of light.

"How are you?" some whispered.

I gently open my eyes and saw a man in doctor's robe.

Ang kulay berde niyang mata ay parang masuyo akong pinapa-kalma.

"You nearly killed yourself," bakas ang pangamba sa tinig niya. "I'm driving home when I saw your conscious body dripping by your own blood. As a med student it is my duty to care and cure you. What happened?" he gently asked.

Realization hits me. I survived. I survived my another suicide attempts.

"Why? I survived but why? Bakit hindi siya nakikinig na pagod na ako?! Ano ba ang hindi niya naintindihan?! Pagod na ako... Pagod na pagod na. Can't he understand that?"

He bit his lower lips and gently looked at me. "He understand that why he saved you because he wants you to learn how to fight and to be heal. Hindi lang sa sakit umiikot ang mundo. It is satisfying to see by your bare eyes the hidden beauty of this world. Hindi ba mas maganda kung matutuklasan at makikita mo ang ganda? Just hang on there, hindi ka niya nilagay sa mundong ito para saktan lang. I know how terrifying it is. Healing may be different and exhausting but don't give up until you heal those wounds. It ain't called 'wounded star' for no reason. It maybe wounded right now, but it will shine again," kalmado niyang sabi.

I starred him. Siguro, kung matagal ko na siyang nakilala baka hindi na ako madudurog ng ganito, siguro kung may nagsabi niyan sa akin baka hindi ko na paulit-ulit pinagtangkaan ang sarili kong buhay.

"Ayaw ko na," I starred the blank ceiling.

I cried hard. Hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na maging mahina sa harapan niya.

He went to me, and hugged me. Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit na para ba sinasabi nito na hindi ako nag-iisa. Na meron isang tao handa makinig sa akin kahit gaano kagulo ng hudyat ng sakuna.

"Your suffering is valid. Always remember that you're not alone, that someone out there is happy that you exist."

Tumango ako habang umiiyak sa kanyang braso.

Ilang ulit na ba ako nagmaka-awa na tama na. Na hindi ko na kaya, at kunin na niya ang buhay ko.

"Pagod na pagod na ako lumaban. Durog na durog na ako para mabuhay pa," tama na, i suffered a lot and still suffering, hindi pa ba 'yun sapat? Ayaw ko na. Pagod na ako.

Can someone help me? Can someone listen to my agony? I'm too wounded to fight.