What's Next? || Ant x Stephen

Anxiety - Chapter Twenty

Ant had his weekly therapy session today and for once he knew exactly what he wanted to talk about, usually he doesn't know exactly what he's going to talk about, he knows roughly, but not exactly. 

When he woke up Stephen had already gone to work. Ant hadn't had a chance to talk to Stephen about what Lisa had told him the day before last, yesterday Stephen was a bit hungover and definitely regretting drinking, and as per usual said 'I am never drinking again' which is not true, obviously. But he didn't want to ask when he wasn't feeling great, he was thinking about doing it tonight, once Stephen had gotten home from work but he wasn't sure. 

The sound of his alarm going off was the first thing he heard this morning, as he rolled over, groaning, he turned his alarm off. He stayed lying down with his eyes closed for a moment. After a few minutes he, reluctantly, got out of bed and headed downstairs. He walked into the kitchen grabbed a glass from the cupboard and then the orange juice from the fridge, and after pouring himself a glass, he noticed a piece of paper on the table. 

It read:
'Hey Anth, I'm going to be late home tonight, so don't wait up'

This ruined his plans about talking to Stephen about it tonight then. He sighed and nodded to himself as he drank his juice, he went upstairs and got changed, he ran downstairs and put his shoes on. He grabbed his jacket and his bag and then left for his session. 

*TIME SKIP*

Ant finally got to Dr Greens office, he knocked the door and entered. Dr Green was at her desk, writing on some paper work, Ant walked over to the Sofa and sat down, and waited patiently for her to finish. She looked up once she had finished and smiled over at Ant. "Sorry about that Ant" She said as she walked over and sat ahead of Ant.

Ant smiled and nodded as she grabbed her pen and notebook. "So, How's things going?" She asked and could tell from Ant's expression, things weren't good. "What's wrong?" Ant looked up and sighed, all of a sudden the words had left his brain, and he didn't know how to word his situation. "Um, It's just that, Stephen, he's been going through a tough time at work and- well he won't talk to me about it, because he feels like he's pushing his problems onto me" Ant started "And because he wont talk to me, I'm starting to worry... A lot about him" Ant finished off with a sigh, he knew that these therapy sessions were supposed to be a place for him to talk about his problems and not Stephen's but he's in a relationship with the younger man meaning Stephen's problems are Ant's problems too, or at least thats what Ant thinks. 

"Okay, when you say worry, do you mean worry or are these worries leading to panic attacks?" The doctor asked as Ant looked to the floor. "Sometimes... yeah, I just- I want to help but I don't know what's happening so I can't and I hate not being able to help" Ant said "And the thing is Stephen's been hiding his feelings from other since he was 13, he's annoyingly good at it, and that means sometimes it takes longer than it should for me to realise somethings wrong, meaning I'm taking longer to help and-" Ant stopped talking for a moment. 

He started to feel his chest go tight. He couldn't breath properly and he couldn't get a word out with it sounding breathy. He tried to breath slowly, but he couldn't even out his breathing, he couldn't stay calm. Once the doctor realised what was happening, she stood up and walked over to Ant quickly, placing a hand on his shoulder, mimicking for Ant to take deep breathes, whilst saying "Breath in, and out" after a moment of realising that wasn't working she decided to try a different technique. 

"Okay Ant, try box breathing" She was met with a confused look on Ant's face he hadn't heard of box breathing before. Doctor Green looked at Ant and started smoothing her hand over his back. "Okay, look at me Ant." Doctor Green said, as Ant slowly looked up and faced the doctor eye to eye. "Now, breath in for four seconds" As she gave Ant instructions, Ant did as he was told. "Hold for four. Out for four, and hold for four." She smiled as Ant started to calm down "Now repeat that" 

After a moment Ant had finally calmed down. His breathing had started to even out, Doctor Green moved back over to her chair. 

Ant had one main problem right now. That problem was the reason he wouldn't talk to anyone when he's feeling down or when he's anxious. 

"I don't usually talk to people about it because I have no reason to feel this way" Ant started "Stephen has reasons, he's been through a lot of shit in his life, with coming out and his mother not accepting him, being bullied in school, his anxiety-" Doctor Green interrupted Ant "And that means your feelings don't matter?" Ant gave her a confused and almost protective look. "I'm not saying that what Stephen has clearly gone through should be ignored, what I'm saying is, just because you haven't gone through that doesn't mean that your problems or how you feel is any less important Ant!" She explained.

Ant got where she was coming from and this wasn't the first time he'd had this told to him, well not that exact words, but before he and Stephen got together, Ant had pretty much said the same thing to Dec, except for the part about what Stephen had gone through because at that time they weren't together and he had no clue about Stephen's past. He'd mentioned to Dec that he thought he had no right to feel this way, given his life, he's got everything he could ask for. He's got a great career and great friends, a great mother and great siblings. Ant has always thought that given how... privileged his life is, so to say, he had no right to be feeling sad or anything like that. 

Dec has given Ant the same speech about how Ant's feelings are perfectly reasonable and that he's allowed to feel down sometimes and Ant has listened but he's just never fully believed it. 

"I'm supposed to be fine though, right? I've got my career, I mean I'm apart of one of Britain's most famous double acts, I've got some of the best friends, and I've got a healthy and loving relationship, so why do I feel so... crap so often, I have nothing to feel so crappy about" Ant ranted to Doctor Green.  

"You don't need a reason Ant, sometimes people just feel like this, even when they've got a smile on their faces. It doesn't mean their happy in the moment"