What's Next? || Ant x Stephen

Epilogue - Chapter Twenty-Nine

Stephen has been thinking a lot recently. About a lot of things. The future, Ant, their relationship.

On new years, Stephen had made a decision that could most probably change his life. However that decision got put on hold... after Ant got into a drink driving accident, and had to go to rehab. He's been there for two months now, and he's still got one month left.

It's been weird... Stephen's been living in the house on his own. He's not used to that anymore, he's used to having Ant around, he's used to sleeping next to him, waking up next to him. He misses him, and it's been a tough few months. Dec has been over to visit Stephen quite a bit, making sure he's doing okay, that he's not to lonely. Same with Emma, she's been over practically every day, when they were working together Emma would give Stephen a lift to work, it was weird. It just felt like everyone was keeping an eye on him, as if they thought he was about to meltdown, like he'd loose it and just breakdown. But Stephens handled his emotions about the situation, he's been talking about them once or twice, mainly with Dec because he's the only other person who's as close to Ant as Stephen is.

Maybe he's not handling them perfectly, but he just doesn't want to think about it, about his emotions because he hates what emotions, he currently feeling. 

(***)

"Dec, you don't have to keep checking on me" Stephen said as Dec walked into the younger man's house. Dec walked into the living room and sat down, as Stephen followed him "I'm not checking on you, I just- wanna hang out" The older Geordie man replied, Stephen not believing a word he said, he rolled his eyes and just sighed, dropping the topic, practically straight away.

"Want a cup of tea?" Stephen asked making his way to the kitchen, as Dec nodded to him, Stephen put the kettle on and grabbed two mugs from the cupboard and started making the teas, as Dec stood up and walked over to the kitchen island, sitting on one of the bar stools. "But-"

There it was, the 'but' that Stephen was waiting for, he stood there making the tea, waiting for the inevitable question of how he was doing. "You alright? You haven't spoken much about... Ant and bottling it up isn't good Stevie" Stephen let out a sigh and looked over at the older man with a faint smile, he walked over to the fridge and grabbed the milk. "Come on Stevie, you can't just pretend it didn't happen"

Stephen put the milk down and just leant down on the counter, he closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. "Why not?" He asked, no louder than a whisper, but Dec still heard him. "It's easier that way- easier that admitting I'm mad at him" Stephen said after a moment of silence.

He looked over at Dec, who looked at him with a sympathetic smile. "I hate that I'm mad at him Dec... I thought that we'd gotten to the point where we would tell each other when we were suffering..." he looked down to the floor "why didn't I notice?!" He said to himself. 

One thing that Stephen found hard about this situation, other than not knowing how Ant was doing and not having Ant around, was how much he hated himself for not knowing and how angry he was at Ant for not coming to Stephen when he was suffering. 

Stephen blamed himself quite a bit for this whole situation, because he's been living under the same roof as Ant for ages, and he barely even noticed, he'd noticed when Ant was down but then the next day, he would seem perfectly fine, like the day before was just a small dip in the road. Maybe Stephen should've read more into it, but he didn't and now Ant was in rehab. 

"I'm mad at him too" Dec said eventually. Stephen looked over at Dec not really sure how he was feeling, but he was surprised that Dec said that. "You are?" Stephen asked as he placed the cup of tea in front of Dec, no matter what Dec said next, when he said that he was also mad at Ant, for the first time in a while, Stephen didn't feel alone in his emotions. 

"He's been my best friend for almost 30 years, and yet he still thought he couldn't tell me, we promised each other we'd always be there for one another, and yet he didn't trust me enough to tell me, and that... really hurt" Dec said fidgeting with the handle on the mug, avoiding eye contact with Stephen, as he spoke. 

Stephen huffed out a small laugh and shook his head, not laughing because there was something funny, mainly because his brain didn't know how else to react. "What?" Dec asked with a weary smile, unsure of what Stephen was laughing about. "Nothing, I just- I just thought I was the only one who felt this way I guess, I thought it made me a bad person or something..." 

Dec stood up and walked over to Stephen and pulled him into a hug. "Your allowed to have your feelings Stevie" Stephen was shocked at first, when Dec hugged him, but eventually hugged him back. "Thanks Dec"