I critic my "mostly" old stories. (I promise I've gotten better at writing over the years.)
Most of them are pretty dumb and funny. :)
* * *
Some of these have triggers, which I will try to warn for.
This one of the reboots of Disaster Paradise. It never went past a Prologue, but I want review this because I'm falling back in love with these characters (and because I'm running our of old stories to read).
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Thehas absolutely nothing to do with the story. It's extremely misleading.
TW: swearing, rude language and insults, invasion of personal space, somewhat sexual comments,
Commentary will be in like {this}.
Prologue: Best Of The Best
In my world, some people are so good at a certain thing they get called an Ultimate.
{I'm not a huge fan of self introductions like this. It's a little exposition dump-y.}
That means they're the best at what they do. It also means that society basically treats them like kings and queens. Every nation treasures it's Ultimates as if they were treasure maps leading to a life worth of gold.
{Something I wonder about in fangans (not just my old ones) what the state of the world is. Not just outside of the game, but in general. Like how does the existence of Ultimates effect society?}
Ever since I first heard about Ultimates, I wanted to be one. Though, there was a small problem.
I'm not really good at anything.
{Just buy one. Your dad is like the richest person in the world.}
All my skills are average, or below average. My luck isn't that good either, so the chances I'll be an Ultimate Lucky Student are extremely slim.
{Felix: ...}
So, I guess that makes me yet another person to watch the Ultimates from afar, wishing I could be like them.
Great job, me. You made yourself sad about something you can't help.
I glanced out the window of the plane. Only seven more hours of sky and clouds before I get to my dad's house.
Might as well get some sleep before I arrive. I don't want tired for the next three weeks.
~~~~
{* * * is the superior timeskip symbol arrangement.}
"Oh my gosh! Is she dead?!!..." I heard a high pitched voice panic.
{Athena!}
"No, you idiot," Another voice chimed in. "She's just unconscious."
{I hate how Jack's simp personality was scrapped for him to become the resident jerk character.}
"Perhaps we should keep our voices down," A calm, third voiced entered the conversation. "We should let her rest in peace."
