I'm not a Trainer

XII : Alone and lonely

TRAINER

Is it just me, or do I feel really different ? What is this feeling in my chest that keeps on pestering with my inner conscience ? I'm not going to be able to think calmly as long as it stays. Think calmly, as easy as that, simple as handling Espeon. Well, that one might be as simple since the bad news is I'm super prone to overthinking and I have no way to shut myself down. Sigh, I need to relax in some way or another.

Wait, this is not the house....

'Where am I ?' I spout loudly though my voice was heard by no one. Standing inside a windy plain field in the middle of the night, feeling the breeze of the cold dark caressing my skin. I couldn't see well in the darkness, but the moon glow was enough to tell me it's a good night to settle down for a couple of minutes.

I laid my back on the grass with both hands under my head.

'Heh, doesn't this feel familiar.'

This is a great place to relax and ease my mind, but something here felt wrong that I couldn't put my fingers on it. Is it the fatigue recently that causes me to be overcautious ? I hope that's not the case, I still have to take care of my Pokemons. That being said, I hope my pokemons are okay now, maybe including the Mewtwo as well. Speaking of Mewtwo...

'Well, Mewtwo certainly caught me off guard.'

Who would've thought the Mewtwo I met has such an outgoing personality ? I thought it was going to be scary but in the end I felt surprisingly quite at easy having it by my company.

Sigh, for a human I felt somewhat responsible for what they have previously done to Mewtwo. Mewtwo gave me a second chance, I wish I wouldn't mess up in the future to have it lose its trust to me. Maybe I can try to find something it would enjoy doing together. But what can I do exactly ?

My mind drift into the dark endless sky once more. Seeing the radiant stars shine brightly, it is an ocean full of glows, easily sets one's heart calm. My arm rested behind my head and my chest feels really light. How long has it been since the last time I've felt like this ? A lot had happened recently. Stresses upon stresses only further distresses my emotions, but for this brief minute my mind is empty. I want to cherish this moment forever but I know it won't last that long. I have a duty, a responsibility that I wanted to let go.

There's a single thought inside me that kept on meddling with my emotions. Ever since I've lost the last battle, and ever since I was having a fever my disappointment had just gotten stronger. 

'...........Sigh.'

As expected it's frustrating. Just by thinking of it was enough that it hurts me. We had so much fun together, it was a pleasure I couldn't forget. The presence of them is one of the few great things happened to me, and I wouldn't want it to disappear.

I remember how it feels to be alone. When I was just a kid, returning back home, finding nobody there waiting for me. I have to survive on my own, some days I would even go by without saying anything, because there's nobody to talk with. Those are the moments I lived for years. I thought I could ignore it, but I'm not as mentally strong as them, I have to admit I feel alone during those times.

No matter how much I put it, no matter how many times I repeat my own judgment, I couldn't find myself for even a moment to accept the fact that, if I were to let them go, then I would return to the life I once despised. That's just normal to feel that way isn't it ?

'But even so......even so...'

So how could I rest easy, when I know I have yet to achieve what I promised them ? It feels wrong that I can be feeling this way. After all this time I've been doing nothing but fails at everything that I do.