Autumn Haze

8: 'The one where Luke goes to a party...'

My eyes widen slightly as Luke pulls me closer into his chest, his breathing is slow and steady. I reach down and intwine my hand with his.

'Love?'

'Hmm.'

'I don't know if I should feel sad.'

'W-What?'

'I feel fucked up, I don't know whether I should be fucking relieved or sad that my dad is dead.'

I frown as I feel my heart ache for the boy lying next to me, 'I-It can be hard to know how to feel, the most important thing is that you allow yourself to feel, whatever the fuck it is you want.'

'I-I just want to get really drunk.'

'Drinking doesn't always help.' I murmur softly, 'Actually, I think a lot of the time it actually makes things feel worse.'

'Not for me, it doesn't.'

I blink at his harsh tone, 'W-We can do whatever you need to do.'

He shakes his head, 'You aren't coming with me.'

'I-I thought that we were, okay?'

'We are.'

'Then why can't I come with you?'

'Because I'm going to meet some of my old friends, and I don't want them meeting you.'

Hurt invades into my body like a pathogen, 'W-Why don't you want them meeting me? I-I promise, I won't act panicked or scared.'

His eyebrows furrow together, 'Love, it isn't anything to do with you. I-I...t-they aren't the best people; they do opium's and shit. I don't want you in that sort of crowd.'

'But it's fine for you to go?'

'Exactly.'

'How the fuck is that fair?'

'Because I just want you fucking safe.'

'A-Are you going to do drugs?' 

'No. I don't do that kind of shit anymore.'

'Y-You used to do them?'

He rolls his eyes as a small laugh escapes from his lips, 'I literally used to be the school's dealer.'

'Right.' I mutter before I climb out of bed, I look around for my clothes.

'What's up?'

I shrug, 'I-I just never knew that you used to do that kind of stuff, that's all.'

'I'm going to be honest. I am feeling slightly judged.'

I run my fingers through my hair, 'I-I'm not judging you. I would never judge you. I-It just scares me that all.'

'What is it that scares you?'

'T-The thought of you, maybe missing that lifestyle one day, and you start using again. I-I've seen what that can do to people and I-it's terrifying.'

A frown forms onto Luke's face, 'Who have you seen?'

A lump grows in my throat, 'M-My mom, one of her ex-boyfriends was a dealer and he introduced her into a life of pills and powders. S-She was a fucking mess, I-I had to call an ambulance so they could pump her stomach.'

'Y-You've never told me that before.'

I shrug, 'I-I try not to think about it.'

'H-Have you ever?'

'I-I've only touched drugs against my own will.'

His expression hardens, 'Oh.'

I gently reach forward and cradle his face, 'I'm really happy that we are okay.'