Autumn Haze

15: 'The one where my world loses all of it's magic.'

My eyes stung in a way that they've never stung before, Scarlett was still on bedrest and all I longed for was her warm embrace but I couldn't go and face her because Luke was still at home. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to see him again.

Oliva has been nothing but kind and compassionate, she's made all of my favourite foods for the past week, bought extra tubs of ice-cream, handled my deferral form for college, organised for her husband Archer to go and collect all of my things from my dorm.

'Autie.' She murmurs softly as she walks into my bedroom with a sad smile on her face, 'A letter came for you today.'

'Oh just leave in on the side.'

'Someone came over and personally handed me the letter.'

My heart twists uncomfortably, 'Was it?' 

She nods carefully, 'Yeah, he looked like a real mess, in-fact I think he looked worse than you do right now, no offence.'

'None taken.'

'Do you want to read it?'

I let out a shaky breath, 'Can you read it for me?'

'Honey, are you sure? What if it says something personal?'

'I don't care.' I whisper, 'I just want you to read it for me.'

The blonde woman coughs clearing her throat before she begins reading me the contents of that letter.

Autumn, love, princess and everything in between, 

I know that writing a letter is cowardly but I know that if I look at your face right now I'll completely crumble. Breaking up with you is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I mean fuck, how have I just let the love of my life just slip away from me.

At first, I was just being angry, I was hurting and I was way too drunk, so I was letting my insecurities take over me. But then you started begging, pleading, you told me that you'll get better just so that we could stay together. And it hit me, you are my right person but at the wrong time. 

If we stay together now, I truly don't believe that you'll recover. I want you to get better, I would literally sell my soul to the fucking devil just to see you smile but I can't be the reason that you try. I won't allow myself to be because nothing in life is guaranteed, I could slip away from you in an instant.

For us to be together again, I need to know that you'll be okay on your own first.

I know you probably hate me and you'll never want to talk to me ever again, that's okay. I understand because no one hates me more than I hate myself right now. Because Autumn Olivia Martin, I fucking love you more than anything in this world. You are the type of girl who people write love songs about. 

Nothing really made sense in my life until I had you in it, so now I'm the one who is begging and pleading, I still need you. I still need my best friend.

I know it's so selfish of me to ask this of you but I can't wake up each day knowing I'll never hear your voice again.

But if this is the last time that I speak to you, I just want you to know that it was truly an honour to know you as a person, to be able to break down your walls and see the most beautiful fucking soul in the entire universe, but most importantly it was an honour to be loved by you. 

Please take all the time that you need but if you feel as if you ever want to be my friend again, I promise that I'll never change my number just on the off chance that you call.

All my love

Always 

Lucas Wilson.

Hot tears stream down my face as sharp sobs escape my lips, I can't believe that idiot thought that I would hate him because I couldn't, my heart simply wouldn't allow me to. Because trust me over the past few days, I've tried.

Perhaps a small part of me could see where he was coming from, fucking Claudia herself even told me this. I was just too damaged to be loved right now.

Olivia looks at me unsurely, 'Can I ask you a question?'

'What is it?'

'What does he mean by get better? I promise you honey, you do not have to answer anything. I just want to know if there is anything I can do that will support you.'

I shrug, 'I've just been struggling with my mental health.'

Her expression pales as he entire body stiffens, 'Struggling how?'

I close my eyes tightly as my breathes becoming more rigid and uneven, 'I've been a little reckless...one day I feel like I'm fine and then next everything comes crashing down like a tsunami of destruction...I...I-I hurt myself.'

Her vision because misty as an inaudible noise escapes from her lips, 'Have you...well, do you ever maybe do things that are a little reckless?'

I wince, 'I did try and steal a bottle of alcohol from the store the other day, I probably shouldn't be telling you this. Please don't ground me, I'm heartbroken.'

'I'm not...I'm not going to ground you, It's just...'

My heart rate begins to increase, 'It's just what?'

'Did your mom ever talk to you about our mum?'

'No, I just know that she died.'

Olivia gives me a small smile as she reaches over and squeezes my knee, 'She...killed herself, I was the one who found her. She was very mentally unwell, she had suffered with bipolar her whole life, she couldn't really look after us, mostly because she didn't want to take her medication...because she didn't want the highs of mania to go away, she told me that she felt that fucking good about herself when she was on a high, that she'd take all of the pain that depression will give her...I always thought, well I always worried that your mom might also be bipolar but I think the way she acts is most likely due to trauma.'

I feel all of the air in my lungs suddenly being knocked out of me at these new pieces of information, it was as if I had all the puzzle pieces but they wouldn't fit together.

'Do you think that I could be...bipolar?'

'I think that it's always best to get it checked out because it hereditary and I promise you, if this is the case we will tackle this together, you are not alone in this baby. I will not let anything bad happen to you.'

'Can it get better?'

'You can get medication which really helps to stabilise your moods.' 

An odd feeling of hope prickles through my chest, 'Oh.'