Autumn Haze

10: 'The one with the impromptu therapy session...'

I give Claudia an awkward smile as I sit on the chair directly in-front with her, 'I like what you've done with the place.'

'Autumn, it looks the exactly same.'

I shake my head, 'No, you've changed around your pictures. Before there was a few of you in Disneyworld.'

'Are we going to discuss my pictures or are we going to talk about why you are here?'

I let out a shaky breath, 'I-I guess I'm not really coping, I'm not coping at all actually.'

She frowns slightly, 'What makes you say this?'

'I-I hurt myself...twice. I nearly burned down my boyfriend's apartment, my ex-boyfriend who...a-a-assaulted me goes to the same college that I do...a-and h-he's dating my roommate!'

'Autumn sweetheart, it sounds as if you have a lot going on right now. It's understandable why you are struggling to cope.'

'I'm not just struggling, I'm drowning. A-And this time I don't know what can save me. I-I mean last time it mainly my friends b-but nothing has changed, they're all still here.'

'Do you feel as if you may have used the people around you as an emotional crutch?'

I shrug, 'M-Maybe.'

'Because emotional crutches can only last for so long, yes people are wonderful support and distractions but that can only do so much.'

'S-So what do I do?'

'What is it that you want to do?'

'I-I don't know anymore, I don't even want to step foot back in New York, but I've worked so hard to get there.'

Claudia gives me a small smile, 'It's completely okay, if your plans change and life takes you in a different direction.'

'B-But I want this direction, I want to go to college and become a journalist.'

'Why?'

'W-What?'

'Why is this so important to you?'

'B-Because it's all I've ever wanted.'

'Is it still what you want?'

I knit my eyebrows together, 'O-Of course it is.'

'Or have you been so fixated on this dream for such a long time, that you think that's what you need to do?'

'I don't know.'

'Tell me Autumn, why is it that you want to write?'

'I-I guess I just want to make people feel something.'

'Okay, and how do you feel when you write?'

'Stressed mostly.' I murmur, 'I'm kind of a perfectionist, so I really struggle if things aren't perfect.'

'Do you enjoy writing?'

I shrug, 'I used too.'

'Just like how you used to love cheer?'

'I-I guess so.'

'Personally, I would recommend that you take some time out from college; travel, find yourself, fall back in love with your life again.'

I shake my head, 'I don't want to do that.'

'Why?'

'B-Because...I-I'm afraid.'

'What is it that you are afraid of?'

I let out a shaky breath, 'As pathetic as it sounds one of the main things, I'm afraid of is being far from Luke, I-I mean I'm already a difficult girlfriend but when you add the distance that's only going to make things a million times worse. W-What if it realises that he wants easy? Because I'm not easy.'