Autumn Haze

14: 'The one with the funeral...'

I clutch Luke's hand tightly as I watch him try to paint a brave face, I usually adored seeing him in a shirt and tie but this was different, it broke me because I knew how much he was breaking inside even if he didn't want to admit it. The service was short but sweet, I was honestly shocked by how many people turned up and as awful as it is to say, it kind of pissed me of that so many people loved this man so much when he hurt the one person in the world who meant more to me than I would ever be able to explain, even if I wanted too.

'You okay?' I ask softly.

He nods his head stiffly, 'Just fine.'

'It's okay to be sad, I promise.' I murmur softly as I nestle my head into his arm.

'I don't know how I feel Autumn.'

'And that's okay too, sometimes there's a beauty in our feelings all getting mixed together.'

'I don't see any beauty right now.'

'No but you will one day.'

He sighs loudly before sitting down on the sofa behind him, 'When will that one day be?'

I kneel down in-front of him and gently cradle his face, 'When you have children of your own one day and they're telling you how much they love you because all of the pain and torment will have been worth something because no you know the exact kind of father you don't want to be.'

'We.'

I tilt my head, 'What?'

'When we have children.'

My heart squeezes so tightly I'm afraid it's going to explode before my stomach drops dramatically, I force a smile onto my face, 'I like the sound of that, when we have children.'

He inhales a sharp breath before leaning his forehead against mine, 'I just want life to be simple again.'

'Me too.'

'Everything keeps happening all at once and I feel like...I'm drowning.'

'Then let me be your life preserve, just this once.'

'Love, you've already got too much of your own shit going on.'

I shake my head, 'That doesn't matter to me, none of my problems matter to me right now.'

'Why?'

'Because...I care about your feelings more than mine and a part of me feels like...I can't be strong until I know that you're okay.'

'I'll be okay.'

'But I want you to actually be okay! I don't want you to pretend or hide how you are feeling because trust me Luke...I know how fucking shitty and isolating that can be.'

Tears glaze over his eyes for the first time today and it shatters ever inch of my soul, 'He never told me that he loved me.'

'Oh Luke.' I whisper as I wrap my arms around him tightly, I push his head into my chest as I softly stroke his hair.

'What did I do wrong?'

'Baby, you did nothing wrong.'

'Why did my dad never love me?'

'Because he was a fucking idiot because who the fuck could not love you?'

'And I feel so guilty complaining about this shit right now because...I still have my mom and you only have Olivia.'

'That's out of choice, I could go and stay with my mom if I really wanted too, but...I choose not too.'

'Why can't life just be fucking simple?'

'I wish I knew.'

'I know I said that this wasn't fucking with my head but it really is, I've stayed up the past few nights fucking googling if you can inherit traits of being an abusive asshole.'

'Luke you will never be your father.'

'But you don't fucking know that, you've seen my temper.'

'You only have a temper when you are fighting for what is right and what you believe in.'

'I don't want to go to college.'

I blink slowly, 'What?'

'I just want to get my gym fucking started, I don't want a fresh start when I can't close a chapter.'

'Not all chapters are meant to be closed.'

He runs his hands through his hair as he knees begin to bob up and down, 'I need a drink.'

'Like a water? I'll go and get you one.'

'No a fucking alcoholic one.' He murmurs as he brushes past me and disappears into the kitchen where various people are stood in black speaking with nostalgia burning through their tone.

...

I hesitantly knock on Luke's bedroom door, he disappeared into a sea of people hours ago, when Brooke and I finally decided it was time to leave we couldn't find him anywhere. He sent us a text which was mostly drunken letters indicating that he was already at home.

'Luke?' I ask softly as I step into his room.

My chest clenches when I see him sat on his bed with the top button of his shirt undone, tie loosely hung around his neck and his hair spiking in different directions.

'What are we doing Autumn?' He whispers, his voice slightly slurred.

'What do you mean?'

'Why are we pretending that happily ever fucking after exist?'

My stomach drops violently, 'What do you mean by that?'

'This is the real fucking world, either way one of us dies or we break the others ones heart. One of us is going to lose.'

Hot tears burn my eyes as I sink down to the floor, 'A-Are you breaking up with me?'

He lifts the bottle of beer that he is clutching tightly in his hands to his lips, 'It appears so.'

'N-No...you're just drunk and hurt, you don't know what you are talking about, we can speak about this properly in the morning.'

'I know what I'm fucking talking about, I'm breaking up with you my choice is final.'

The pain is wedged that deep into my chest that it's becoming impossible to breath, '...You already promised me that you'd never leave.'

'I'll still be your friend but I don't want to be in a relationship with you.'

'Is it because I've had things going on because I promise, I'll be better...I'll get better, I'll do whatever it takes.'

His eyes squeeze shut as a pain expression takes over his face, 'We're too dependant on each other, fuck. You're telling me that you'll get better just so I'll stay with you, that isn't how it should be, you should want to get better for yourself.'

'But...I don't think I'll ever be okay if you left me.'

'I told you we'll stay friends.'

A strangled sob escapes my lips, 'I-I don't want to be your friend!'

'We've been friends before we can do it again.'

'That was before I fell in love with you.'

He shrugs, 'I fell in love with you long before we got together, I managed and I'll manage again.'

'Please...Please don't do this.' I cry.

'I have too and how you're acting now is proving it to me, you aren't ready to be in a relationship, you need to heal.'

I sniffle as I wipe my cheeks, 'Okay, so I'll heal and then we can get back together.'

'I don't know.'

'Please...I'm so in love with you.'

He slowly stands up and presses a kiss against my temple, 'I love you more which is why I know now that I need to let you go.'