Ray's pov
~~~
"I-I'm sorry" I said in between tears as I sat on the floor by the toilet, hoping the throw up will finally come out.
"Awh, baby, you have nothing to be sorry for." Nat said. I rolled my eyes and stuck the middle finger at him.
"Don't call me baby." I said before gagging and putting my head closer to the toilet. This wasn't the first time Nat and Gilda had seen me like this, this has been going on for years now. It was, however, Don's first time seeing this, and I'm barely even able to look at him. I'm such a coward, I caused him to worry and I can't even look at him. "You guys should just leave. Just leave me here alone, I don't want anyone to see me when it gets worse."
Gilda sighed and crouched down to look at me, they stared into my eyes and moved some hair out of my face. My bangs, which always hung in front of my face, fell back into place. "We're not going to leave you, Ray, you matter too much to us. We care about you as much as you care about us."
I looked away, not able to look in the caring eyes of Gilda, I instead stared at the tile floor. "Why... why do you care about me?"
I glanced up to see all three of them stared at me like it was the stupidest question they've ever been asked, but I continued, "I-I'm selfish, vile, cruel, disgusting, and ugly. I'm the furthest thing away from perfect, I can't even understand something as simple as emotions, I'm just a fucking idiot." I took in a shaky breath, "I deserve to be forgotten, I deserve to be resented by people just as much as I resent myself."
I looked up at the three of them, my vision getting blurry from tears, "There's a lot wrong with me, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much."
All three of them hugged me, trying their best to comfort me. Gilda put their hand on the back of my head and started petting me or something. They took in a shaky breath before saying in a soft voice, "Ray, I think..... we should tell Norman. You're not well, and we're not with you all the time like Norman is, he'll be much more help than we are."
Not knowing what to say, and not wanting to try to talk, I nodded and continued crying as the three of them tried, to the best of their abilities, to comfort me.
After some time they called Norman, they said I have something to tell him and they'd be here to help me. I heard him asking where we are and they said Nat's house.
"What if he thinks all of this is a joke?" I asked, all three of them looked at me, "What if he doesn't believe us and thinks we're just joking?"
Nat sighed, "I didn't want to tell you because I thought you'd get mad, but I've been recording you every time this happened. Well- not every time, just when it happened around me. I'm sorry. I just wanted to try to understand how you feel, so I recorded you and kept notes."
"It's fine, kinda creepy though." I replied.
Soon Norman came to Nat's house and they explained everything. Well, Nat and Gilda did, Don couldn't say much about it and, according to Gilda, I was in no state to talk about it.
"And this has been going on for five years, as you say, right?" Norman asked, everyone nodded. And then Norman looked at me, "Why didn't you tell me?"
I pulled my legs up to my body and rested my head on them, I put my hands on my head, it was a pathetic attempt to make myself look smaller. "I.... it's not exactly the easiest topic, Norman. When- when you go through something like this its not something you openly talk about, at least not for me, its more like something people accidentally witness."
"And I understand its not easy to talk about, but why couldn't you tell me, why did you hide it from me?" he asked.
My fists curled into a tight fist in my hair, "Because then you wouldn't care about me. Nobody fucking cares about anything that's broken!" I said, a little louder than I wanted to, but I continued. "Gilda and Nat weren't supposed to find out, no one was, because when you're broken nobody actually cares about you, and when they do, the question of why they care about you arises." I sat back down, not even knowing I stood up, and curled into a ball.
"I hate myself, I hate that I'm broken, I hate that when I looked in the mirror I just see something ugly, I hate my thoughts, I hate everything about myself. I've tried countless times to change but nothing ever fucking works. I don't want to be here, I'm tired of living. Try to fix me if you want, I'm not sure it'll work though."
Norman smiled and stood up, "That won't be necessary." he said, I looked up at him confused. "Hmmm think of yourself as a...... car. You give up them when they're completely broken, which you are not, when a part or two is broken you go to get it fixed, or you can add to the car, whether that be a stereo or whatever else you can add to cars. However the car is treated depends on who owns that car, some will try to fix the completely broken car because they have hope, some will see the few broken parts and think 'Hey, the car is completely fine', and people who add to the already perfect car, well, that speaks for itself."
"Are you saying you own me? I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about." I said.
"No, I'm not saying that, let me finish talking, please." he replied. I nodded and he continued, "Think of your problems as adding to the perfect car, sometimes the things you add on to the car don't work out and you can remove them. I'm not saying removing your problems will be easy but it is possible."
He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder, staring into my eyes he said, "I'm not going to stop caring about you, I'm not going to stop loving you more than I already do, I will help you through this journey to loving yourself."
I quietly gasped, that was the first time he said love while referring to me, not even I'd been able to say it. I wrapped my arms around him, and he wrapped his arms around me.
"C'mon, lets go to your house, yeah?" he whispered to me, I nodded, and we said good bye to Nat, Gilda, and Don.
~~~
Woah, I had a lot of fun writing this. Which is kind of weird because of what 'Thoughts' is about. Anyways, I decided I wanted to let people know a little more about me, and by people I mean the few people who will read this. So below there will be a few things listed about me, you're welcome to skip it if you want.
Hobbies: Writing (obviously), photography, photoshop, and I really like making lists when I'm bored.
Likes: My Chemical Romance (I've actually talked about Ray liking MCR in one of the chapters in here), The Wrecks (great band), Queen, memes, Marilyn Monroe, anime (again obviously), horror things, and I really like crackers.
I also have really bad social anxiety, bad enough to make me almost cry because I had to order at Starbucks.
I'm pan demisexual demiromantic and I'm genderfluid, I go by all pronouns.
Anyone who actually reads this can call me Somebody.
I believe this is all that's important, goodbye for now.
