What Goes Up

A Lot to Process

Wren

The next morning when I wake up I'm naked in bed with Kilian's arms around me. It's the perfect way to wake up in our new apartment. I twist to face Kilian and his mouth is parted and he's clearly still very passed out. I don't want to wake him, he's been working so hard on everything.

When it's quiet like this, that's usually when darkness creeps in. I start to obsess about my mom because I have to decide if I'm going to go see her today. Questions flood my consciousness; Why did she have a seizure? Is she okay? Maybe I should go see her, what if something worse happens?

Instinctively I place my hand on the back of my head where the scar is from our fight. All of that trauma starts to come back. I can't believe how crazy she was. I start to breathe heavily and I know that I am losing control. What's more, I haven't ever been this upset about this, what is happening to me? Before I can calm myself down the panic intensifies and I'm hyperventilating.

Kilian wakes and wraps his arms around me to and sit me up, "Wren, baby, what's wrong? Are you okay?" he asks in a panic.

I can't catch my breath even though I want to, I know Kilian is scared but I keep heaving faster and faster.

"Wren. Stop. Hey," he grabs my face and turns me to face him. "Deep breaths, look into my eyes, please baby."

I hear him but I'm not sure how to do what he's asking. I try to focus on his eyes then he puts one of my hands on his chest.

"Like this..." he coaches as he breathes in deep, holds the air in and then exhales.

I try my best to follow his instructions and soon I've calmed down a little but I immediately descend into tears.

He pulls me close to him then puts me in his lap, "Wrenny? Can you tell me what's wrong?"

I try to muster words, but none will come. Finally, I manage to push out, "Hold me."

Kilian wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tight while he kisses on my shoulder, "You're okay baby, I've got you."

I continue my descent into madness crying and shuddering, but Kilian just holds me through it.

Once I catch my breath I try to talk again, "My mom hurt me."

"She did," he agrees.

"She threw me into a cabinet."

"I know baby."

"I just never thought about it or processed it."

"It's okay. Process."

"I'm supposed to be worried about her right now but she put me in the hospital. It's like everyone forgot what happened."

"We didn't. I didn't," he says and I know what he means, but that's not what I'm trying to say.

"But I just had to move on so everyone else could deal, that isn't healthy."

"Wren, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"I don't know if I can go there to see her," I admit.

"You don't have to."

"But Quin..."

"No, your dad can take her, you just be there for her after," he suggests.

I lean into his embrace and try to take deep breaths. What he's saying makes sense and Quin has been going to see mom without me already. I've calmed down considerably now.

"Kilian."

"What's wrong baby?"

"I guess I'm sorry I spun out of control, I didn't realize how much I was holding in and now I feel so guilty."