What Goes Up

An Enigma

Wren

I'm sitting in the backseat of the police cruiser, wringing my hands.

"I'm sorry I don't have a lot of information for you but when we get to the hospital someone should be able to give you a better idea of what happened," the officer explains. 

I just nod because I'm doing everything I can to keep it together right now. I want to cry and melt into a pile of goo, but Kilian needs me so I need to be strong. We get to the hospital and the officer walks me into a reception area. Once he tells them who I am he takes his leave and a nurse directs me to sit. She says that a doctor will be right with me.

Before I can catch my breath a doctor with a familiar face walks toward me and sits down beside me, he must have helped with my mom at some point or something.

"Wren, I'm Dr. Hawthorne, I've been overseeing Kilian's care," he says softly.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"I'm sorry to say that I don't know right now. He has a lot of internal injuries."

"What happened?"

"We don't know a lot, I'm sure the police will fill you in once they make a case. It seems an elderly driver ran a red light and sent the motorcycle across the intersection. Kilian was wearing a helmet but he sustained several internal and external injuries."

"Can I see him?"

"You can Wren but you need to prepare yourself, he's still not woken up," Dr. Hawthorne cautions.

"I need to be with him," I insist.

"Do you have any family that can help support you right now?"

"They are probably all on their way here, it was our engagement..." I start to cry and feel stupid, the doctor doesn't care about my personal life but then he places a hand on my shoulder.

"I can call one of our grief counselors to go in with you."

"I will wait for my friends," I resolve.

"Okay, tell the nurse when you're ready and they'll bring you back. Just know that I am going to do everything I can for him."

"Thank you."

When Dr. Hawthorne leaves me on my own again I pull my phone out to text Gael.

[Wren]: It's really bad.

Gael doesn't answer but he may be driving. I take a deep breath to try to calm myself down, I feel horrible for not going into the room on my own but if the doctor is so worried there must be good reason. 

"Wrenny..." Gael says sadly as he enters the waiting area.

"What's going on?" Declan adds.

I'm choked up and can't find the words. 

Declan crouches in front of me on the floor; "Hey, we're here now, talk to me, what's going on?"

"They're not sure if he's going to be okay, he hasn't woken up," I force out.

"Hey, it's not over, this is Kilian, he's going to fight to stay with you," Gael insists.

"Have they let you see him?" Declan asks.

"I was waiting for you guys."

"Do you want to go now?" Gael says.

"I need to."

Gael talks to the nurse and she shows us back to where Kilian is in bed, "I'll page the doctor for you," she says.

When I see Kilian lying there with his eyes closed all bruised, beat up, and hooked up to machines my heart literally breaks. I feel like I can't breathe, I start to hyperventilate.

"Wrenny, hey, look at me, take a breath. Come here," Declan pulls my hand toward the bed and puts it on top of Kilian's.

The touch is comforting, "He's still warm," I say.

"He is Wren, he's not gone, he's right here," Gael insists.

I lightly caress Kilian's face and kiss his forehead, "Kil, I need you to come back to me."

My lips start to quiver and I break down, "This is all my fault, stupid butter, it's all my fault."

"Hey, don't do that. This is not your fault, Kilian wouldn't want you to think that. I know you're scared, I'm scared too but don't beat yourself up," Gael says.

"He's right Wrenny, for all you know Kilian is listening right now. Sit with him, talk to him," Declan coaches.

"Sorry to intrude, but that is actually a good idea. His body is focused on healing right now but he might be able to hear you," Dr. Hawthorne says as he steps into the room. 

"Can you tell us what happened?" Gael asks.

The doctor goes over the same details he did with me, "So why isn't he awake?" Declan questions.

"I know this is difficult but you really need to prepare yourselves. I'm not giving up on him, but the brain is an enigma, sometimes we're just not sure what it's going to do. We're doing everything we can but he has a traumatic brain injury and some internal bleeding."

I hear the words but can't really comprehend them then all of a sudden a wave of nausea hits me. I rush to the closest receptacle and end up puking into the trash can. 

"Wren, are you okay?" Gael gasps.

"No, I'm not okay, this is not okay. We're getting married, this is not happening."

"Wrenny, let us take you home," Declan pleads.

"No, I'm not leaving him," I insist even though I can tell that Gael and Declan are stressed.

Dr. Hawthorne tries too, "You need to take care of yourself too, you can't be here for him if you don't."

"I'm not leaving," I persist, I plant myself in the chair next to Kilian's bed and take his hand. "Kil, I'm here, I'll be here until you're ready to come back to me."

"I'll leave you with him but if you need anything just tell a nurse. I'll be back to check in," Dr. Hawthorne resolves.

Gael and Declan switch between sitting and pacing around the room. They occasionally ask me if I'm ready to go home but I don't want to go. I can feel sleep coming but I don't want to miss it if Kilian wakes up. I rest my head on the edge of his bed by his hand and hold onto him as I drift off to sleep hoping that when I wake up this will all have been a terrible nightmare.