Beyond Logic

VII. Starting Over

Friday had gone by in a blur. She couldn't remember anything else after talking to Xavier on the phone. She remembered waking up the next morning to get a glass of water and going back to bed. After that, she pretty much locked herself inside her room and stayed in bed all day.

That's the thing about depression and anxiety. One moment, everything is in its glorious state – bird chirping, sun shining, people smiling, and an overwhelming feeling of contentment as if everything is how it should be and where it should be. She savours it as if it's the most priceless possession. Then there is the moment after – the downhill fall to an endless pit of nothingness. It is the moment she had learned to live with for a long time now. It is the moment she knows too well – like the back of her hand or the memories tucked at the back of her head. It's a bad dream or a nightmare that wakes you up in the middle of the night – panting, sobbing, sweating... screaming. The only difference is that hers wasn't just a nightmare but a reality she lives with and have no idea how to stop it.

It was Saturday morning when she managed to drag herself out of bed even when she still wasn't feeling well. She doesn't have a choice but to get her shit together since her manager expects her to show up at work. After taking a cold shower and a sip of instant coffee, she made her way to work.

The nice thing about going to work, though, is that she gets to observe other people and they are a nice way of distracting herself from the realities of her own existence. She tries to figure them out as they pass her cash register. It reminds her of the time when she was younger and her parents decided that it might be a good idea to take them to South Africa when she and her brother got to observe animals in the wilderness. Watching and observing people that shop in the posh grocery store she works for is like watching the animals in the wilderness. The only difference though, is that people are filled with vanity. And the ironic part is, she used to be one of them.

During her lunch break, she decided to grab something to eat as she could not remember the last time she had a proper meal. She settled for fishcake and bottled water and she made herself comfortable at the benches outside the store. She was halfway done with her fishcake when her attention was caught by the water bottle she got the label said, Happy Water.

 

It reminded her of this old customer who comes into the store regularly to buy dozens and dozens of that bottled water. The ironic part is that... he never seemed to be happy. She had analysed it hundreds of ways with one way a lot more depressing than the other. But then again, when you're depressed and wanted to get better, you take happiness where you can find them – even if it is masked with what seemed to be another joke about consumerism. She thought about the man and his Happy Water and found a new found respect for him. It must be really exhausting to want that happiness so bad. And yet he's still trying. She just hoped that someday, as the man, down a bottle of his water, he'll find the happiness he's looking for.

Alexandra's thoughts were interrupted when a giant wolf of a dog appeared out of nowhere and nestled itself beside her and rub it's head on her legs.

"Oh, hey there big guy!" Alexandra smiled as she started to pet the dog. The dog, in return, gave her a wet kiss on the cheek which made Alexandra laughed.

"Dude, what did I tell you about licking other people? Not cool man, not cool." A man's voice said as if he was talking to the dog like a normal person.