Beyond Logic

XVI. Pity Party for the Runner Ups

When Alexandra arrived at her apartment after her dinner with Xavier, the first thing that came up to her mind was to take Xavier's advice and talk to Sebastian. This whole thing about letting her feelings guide her was new to her as she never let her feelings get in the way of making rational decisions. Upon admitting to Xavier that she's developing feelings for Sebastian, she realized that it was the only thing that keeps her from actually confronting what she had been feeling all along. She deprived herself of any possibilities with someone because of the void she had in her heart. For a long time she felt as though she was a hard shell with nothing underneath. But somewhere along the way Sebastian came along and for the short time that she had known him, he managed to slowly cracked that hard surface and slowly fill her with feelings and emotions that she didn't know she was capable of having.

Three hours had gone by since she arrived at her apartment but Sebastian was still nowhere in sight. She already mentally prepared herself on how she would approach the subject yet as minutes and hours passed by without Sebastian showing up, Alexandra felt like her anxiety was building up and the more she wait for him, the more she was convinced that telling him about how she feels about him would be a mistake. Tired of waiting for him to show up, she finally decided to give him a call.

After the fourth time of dialling, he finally picked up and before he could even speak, she beat him to it.

"Sebastian! Finally! Where the hell are you? I thought you're going to be here at seven? It's already 10 and we should be stud-" Alexandra said when she was cut off by the person on the other line.

"I'm sorry who is this?" A girl's voice asked.

Alexandra took the phone out from her ear and look at the name displayed on the screen, it clearly has Sebastian's name on it, "This is Alexandra. Wait.... Is this Sebastian's phone?"

"Uhh, yes. It's Sebastian's. Just hold on for a second and I'll get him for you. He's just in the bedroom."

The moment felt so surreal for Alexandra. One moment she was yearning to hear Sebastian's voice and the next she badly wanted to throw her phone across the room. The mere mention of bedroom had let her mind wander to the millions of possibilities that were going on in the other end of the line.

"Uhh... It's okay, don't worry about it. Just tell him to forget about the group study." She said and hangs up the phone without waiting for the girl's response.

She collapsed on the couch as the voice of the girl ring on her ears. She closed her eyes fighting back the tears that were already flowing down her cheeks. She was ready to give him a chance, to give both of them a chance. She was ready to open up herself to him and the possibilities of being with him but one thing she didn't prepare for is the jealousy that comes as a cost of having feelings for a guy like Sebastian. She had known from the beginning that he was the type of guy that smooth-talks his way into making his way. She knew that he's the type of guy that would be there at night and gone the next morning. He doesn't do commitment and he takes life as it is – no complications, no entanglements, and clearly not the kind of demons that she is still trying to resolve.

Logic and reason tells her not to jump on any conclusions and talk to Sebastian before she could formulate an appropriate reaction. She had a reason to be mad at him for ditching their supposed group study but she could not be mad at him for spending those hours with another girl – not when they are no more than friends.

Yet, as she tried to focus her attention on the reviewer that she had made, her vision was blurred by tears escaping. She would be a hypocrite if she further denies the fact that she was affected by the girl's voice and the role she might have on Sebastian's life.