Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

RADIO SILENCE.--

(December 1st,2022)
In moments I feel vulnerable I call out your name
I want nothing but to feel your embrace and to tell me it's okay
But if you were to do that, it would be out of character
Today I held the wallet he gave me in line for coffee and tears formed in my eyes
I hate crying because thanks to you I was taught how weak it was and what showing emotions meant to you, or the lack of what they meant to you
In case the car behind me thought I was crying and wiping my tears I pretended to act like I had something stuck in my eye
And numbed myself again, pulled ahead and smiled and ordered my coffee without eye contact
Had to listen to songs to remind me why I let go in the first place
Remind myself that I've tried everything
I changed everything to fix us and it still wasn't enough
I've swallowed the scapegoat enough times
I still remember those night's watching something with you in the living room in silence but I felt how this was what I wanted
Wanted the movie and shows to last a bit longer
Wanted to hear more of his work stories and have all of us cracking up at the table
The same one he threw us against, same one he threw my chair down with me in it
Same one she told me "it's just date rape it happens all the time"
Same one she'd force my autistic brother to gag through a meal after everyone had left
Same one I sat at when I couldn't sleep at night and the darkness and late night tv became my friends
Today I've non stopped thought of it all
Knowing at this moment I'm a sour taste in your mouth
While mine is full of salty tears
All I asked for was to be heard
But your ears have always been on AM radio
And my voice on FM
I tuned my radio to your station
But you always seemed to make static
My music is only breathtaking when you aren't here
But without you
I feel like I'm radio silence