Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

SEVEN.--

(March 10th,2024)
In 7 years they told me not a single part of my body will be inhabited and empaled by your touch
How every single cell that you made belong to you
Is renewed
So my body is too
But here I am
Four years in
But

I still find myself hiding
Covering myself in the shower
Holding my breath as visions of you dance around in my daily life
Knowing the second I let my guard down I'll feel
Every nook and cranny
Of hungry hands
Waiting to snack upon my weakest points

The pitter patter of my heart
Of the places life takes me
When I'm all alone
And the thought of you
Sets my world completely dark
Only there's no shine from the moon
There's no light to reflect
My body lives comfortably deep in here
Every step creaks
And screams
Except there's nothing to hide behind
Your inescapable force finds me anyways

You see
Im still her
The one you raped
And denied this from
Violently
I'm still her because I'm still trapped
Behind your forceful hands
Begging for escape
I'm still her in every single way
In 4 years my body has yet to escape the gore
You have created
The sleepless nights
I've had to make sure my mind isn't invaded
Every single touch
No one knows
How I wince
Because no matter who it is
It's always him
It's always you

I race around in public
Shielding myself
Hoping no man ever looks at me
Every single piece of my body from my hair to my toes
Anything but beautiful or pretty
Because I forever run from the feeling of anyone getting the chance to spread their knives inside me
While I'm pleading and begging for mercy
Especially while carrying precious cargo

See it didn't matter
How much I bled
Or the fact
If I never even got wet
If he couldn't get off
He wouldn't get off me
So even while I'd beg and excuse
He'd always feel his relief
Before I'd be free

The constant nights I spent in that bathroom apologizing
To the little life
Growing their roots inside me
When I felt like no one realized how quickly I was dying

Some days I can't get the feeling of you scrubbed off
So I'll make my bath so hot
And rub my skin raw
Begging and pleading for your hand prints to wash away
For the blood to flow back into me
For the tears that ran onto the bed sheets
And for all of the rockets of sperm he let go of inside me
For this whole entire bedrock of trauma to leave

I wish the water
The warmth
the fire
could wash it from my eyes
from my memory
From my fucking soul

The every breath I held in
When I pass the precious cargo over
Your eyes are still dark
Like those days and nights
I was taught love hurts from an early age
But this was love that broke knives

I remember the anger of the days
You actually listened
Only after the tenth time
How much I knew it would hurt
Come next time
You always made up for it
Ripped my arms up faster
Tore into my vagina tougher
And harder
Until I felt numb
Because that was how you loved

And so I cover up my reflection in mirrors
To hide the monster that rape has become
And every single scar I silently remember
When I see you
comes undone