Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

ISSUES.--

(January 20th,2024)
Sometimes I find myself falling,
Stumbling through my words
Just like building blocks
Set up by kindergartners

But there's no going back to the start
So this anger
That builds up so heavily
And ever so deeply within
These never breaking emotional walls
Can not leak
Too much of those I've loved are the reason
I still bleed
No one deserves this breakage
The feelings of rejection
The voice of reason that argues with perfection
They really did a number
On me
Most days my self loathing out loud
Doesn't really come
From me
But denial will always come from you

Empty eyes
And eye pupil mirrors
The love you,
never meant anything
When I wasn't who
You needed me to be that day

You know it's all I've wanted
For them to pick up my broken pieces
But instead of that I'm trying to
Forget words
That hit me just as hard now as they
Did at seven

Then there's him,
You know the one,

The dad,
The sweet one
The gum packs
And sweet buns
And hard candy
All felt the easiest to take his side then
Because most of him
Didn't belong to him
The alcohol just loved you better
Than us
It was easier to love him
Even now
The physical pain could
Always be washed away
With a treat
He just needed one too
Because he just didn't wanna see

See having mommy and daddy issues
Isn't just so easy to explain sometimes
Like how deep they run through you

Like moments you can still hear your heart strings
Snap
When you see peers with their parents

Or like when I say
I wanna burn down my
Childhood home
After they die
Just so no one
Will ever be trappped inside
Those walls again

The constant closed blinds
Because you know
Blinds are for two things
Helping stop the public from seeing in or
Keep the public from seeing them

Everything growing up felt
Like a play
The heart shattering words
As my daughter giggled besides me
To drive home
With closed little eyes
And silent gasps escaping
As you silently screamed the pain
Of keeping them in your life

See these are the kind of mommy and daddy issues
That set off bombs
In the basement so not even the soul around
Can grow again

The woods around it could be see through
Nothing would hide our pain anymore
Even the ones we hid under rocks and in ponds

Seeing our imaginations run wild
Because escaping them
Was the easiest
If we weren't there
Even if our bodies had to be

Or like the solid proof
Of repeated
Silent
Abuse
Feels like being in the jaws of love and
Hate
Because even your adopted second chance
Held the promise of different
Sides of the same coin

Because I guess they've been telling me
My whole life
To get better

So of course
They hate that I started speaking truths
To be free
Even though it continues to backfire on me

Maybe if I continue to speak
On this
Without their inflicted fear
Will be the start of my life
I don't hold my breath for...