Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

SURRENDER.--

(February 16th,2024)
As clarity sinks in
I can't but help thinking
Maybe this is it

The turning point
Accepting the fact there will be days
I'm atlas and the sky is crushing me to the point I can't breathe
And other days I word vomit everything to briefly
Free me of the skies burden

I didn't ask for this life
And navigating it while I was abused
Felt like everything around me was crumbling
All the nakedness of pain
Sprouting from roots of all my hidden screams

It's hard
Impossible most days to not let the pain swallow you
So you down pills
And fire juice
And forget them for a minute
Just to feel them even harder when your mind awakens again

I don't want to self medicate anymore
I don't want to feel like I need to run away from it
Because I've been walking around feeling like I have a target on my back and I'm ashamed
On days I'm atlas
I need to remember that feelings aren't shameful
It's okay that my trauma has led me down some roads
I fight to hide away from everyone
It's okay to sit in this
Going to meetings feels like some days my rain clouds stay back at home
Even for just a second

And the warmth of welcome and strong arms
That feel foreign to me
Uncomfortable even
I've been hugged more times at meetings than
I ever was growing up
And some days I can't handle that thought
That people not meant to love me
Care enough
Sitting knowing some days I can be atlas and scream at the sky for holding me back
And some days I feel the break in the weight enough to slip out from under it
And I hope finally accepting this journey
Slowly with acceptance and patience
And melancholy days alike
I open myself to the thought that I'm better today
Because today I chose the light
Even if I'm holding onto it for dear life