(February 29th,2024)
See I grew up with the knowledge that there's two sides to every story
But the two sides only mattered if it silenced me
See my mom liked to play this game
Say I was ungrateful for the things I had in my life
But the physicalities have forever meant nothing when I've never felt truly loved by them
How their rounded edges changed to daggers the second the doors to the house was closed
How many times we were thrown around in the kitchen
Catching concussions by the hands of a drunk
How the echoes of an unresponsive I love you too
Killed every smiling photo
See my mom hung up pictures of us when we were adopted but it never stayed up very long
Our home was a ghost town
Every fatal step, every trip
Every childish word tortured to the point we never left our rooms
Then we got shamed for that too
Sometimes I love you feels empty
I grew up knowing if I fought with my mom
Or upset her
I would go to bed without one
And she'd go to bed with three
No matter how many times she'd ignore me and stare at the tv
I just could never believe so each time I'd say it a little louder
Even though the silence was deafening
I'd turn my face and hold back tears
Walk up those creaking stairs begging for them to shut up for once
Because my existence wasn't wanted so why would I remind anyone of it
I'd closed my bedroom door and sink to the floor
Silencing my sobs because they weren't welcomed here
I'd grab a Bobby pin from my hair
The one I already chewed the ball off of
And repeated I love you
As I ran this homemade blade across
The more the blood ran the less tears I had
The less the infection of pain it would cause
I don't know why you being mad meant you didn't love me mom
I don't know why I could still say it to you after you literally verbally slapped me around
While people outside saw you as the devoted mother
I used every single method I had access to
To escape you
I hope you know that I can forgive these moments but talking about them now
Means I'm finally receiving an I love you too
But not from you
But from myself
YOU ARE READING
Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth
PoetryA collection of poetry,and random thoughts written when I was struggling to find my way.
