Wreck Me, Cia Clemente

58:

Another month has passed. Everything is going on smoothly. We won the case, we're starting to plan Haze's business, Esmeralda resigned on her job, I continued with my job, yet my anxiety attacks did not go away that quick. I had four attacks within this month excluding the one I have right now. And all those attacks, I am lucky Esmeralda is always by my side.

"Mahal, shush. Tahan na. Tahan na po. I'm here. You're safe." she whispered on my ear.

Narito kami ngayon sa kama habang yakap-yakap niya ako at ako naman ay nakasiksik sa kaniya't nanghihina. Besides from her hugging me, she's also holding my left hand for me not to harm myself unintentionally again. She's patiently waiting for me to calm down, helping me to breathe normally, and feel safe.

"Mahal, tahan na po. I'm here. Gusto mo tubig?"

Marahan akong napailing. Mas napasiksik lang ako sa kaniya dahil hindi ko na kinakaya ang panghihina. I cannot explain why even though I am trying my best not to think about it, since Cia triggered my trauma more than a month ago, I got anxiety attacks more than I can imagine.

"Dito ka lang, mahal. Dito ka lang, please." I pleaded to Esmeralda. I am holding onto her waist so I will feel safe and strong. I am even sweating so much even though it's cold and it's four in the morning. We've been like this for the past one hour. Hindi ako makatulog at panay ang mga negatibong isip ko. Kanina pa ako pinapatahan ni Esmeralda. Kanina pa niya ako yakap-yakap. "Dito ka lang please, mahal. I... I don't want you to leave."

"Mahal, inom ka muna ng tubig. Nawawalan ka na ng boses. Kailangan mong kumalma. Saglit lang. Kukuha lang ako sa kusina ng tubig."

"No," sunod-sunod kong pag-iling. "I'm scared."

"Okay sige sabay na lang tayo lumabas. Deal?"

Sandali akong inalok ni Esmeralda. It took her minutes before she finally convinced me that we go out of my room to go to the kitchen. She said I need to drink water at least so we did. Para akong batang nakayakap sa kaniya mula sa likuran habang naglalakad kami nang marahan papunta sa kusina. Bumitaw lang ako saglit para uminom ng tubig na ibinigay niya. Naubos ko ang halos dalawang baso noon dahil sa pagkauhaw.

"Let's go." Esmeralda said. "Balik na tayo sa kwarto, mahal."

Agad akong yumakap sa kaniyang muli. I then shook my head as to disagree on what she said.

"Mahal," she tried to look at me. Her right hand is caressing the back of my head. Nakasiksik ang mukha ko sa may leeg niya still trying to calm myself down. "Sa sofa tayo, hmm? At least doon makakahiga tayo. Malapit na rin mag-umaga. You need to rest as much as possible. You had so many panics and anxiety attacks this month alone. Gusto mo consult tayo ng professional?"

"No."

"Okay but if this worsens, promise me you'll consult professionals to help you, okay?"

Agad akong tumango. "Yes."

"Okay sige punta na lang tayo sa sala at doon tayo sa sofa mahiga."