One Day At a Time ✔️

Ch. 47 His Guilt

Drift’s P.O.V.
I didn’t think I’d see Jamie sleeping on me. Not sure Crosshairs did this before falling asleep on the recliner. I didn’t know Jamie was awake until I started moving, and her hands got a tight grip on my shirt. I carefully sit on the edge of the bed and reposition Jamie on me the best I can with her grip.
“Let go, I’m not going anywhere. Did Crosshairs lay you on me?”
Jamie shakes her head ‘no’. She keeps her grip on me as she leans on me. I worry she dreamt we left her again. What can we do to help her not fear we’re going to leave her? I don’t think that thought will ever go away, but it’s been worse. Thinking about the paper Mirage found, Jamie was sent to the asylum a few days after she went home. How long was she waiting for us to realize something is wrong before thinking we abandoned her? I hug Jamie, trying not to tear up.
“Uh, bad timing again?” Sunstreaker asks.
“Do you want to go with them?”
Jamie squeezes my hand. She lets me put the speaking valve on and Sunstreaker carries her while Sideswipe wheels the wheelchair with the oxygen concentrator. We’re hoping she’ll be ok with them until dinner.

“I need to talk to the psychiatrists you talked to,” I tell Ratchet.
“They’ve told me —.”
“She thinks we absconded her! I failed her!”
I didn’t know Crosshairs was awake until he hugs me. I let myself cry.

Crosshairs’ P.O.V.
I don’t like how Drift is trembling while crying. He will not like hearing what Rachet was told, but I don’t think it’s right not to tell him. The question is when? Definitely not now.
I get Drift to sit on the chair by the desk. It’s a challenge to get Drift to calm down even with Ratchet’s help. I’m happy we did without drugs.

“So, you didn’t tell him yet?” Ratchet asks after Drift leaves the room.
“I was going to tonight. I know there’s no right time, but after this...”
“Did you hear what he said?”
“Yes, which is why I don’t know when is the right time to tell him. I don’t think telling him Jamie will probably recover mentally from what she went through but will still struggle like before she went home will help him now.”
“I worry he cannot hide how he’s feeling from Jamie. What about you? You know how bad it is to hide how you’re feeling.”
“Oh yeah, let him know this hurts watching Jamie go through this shit! And how much this hurts him! Great idea!”
“And when you fall apart like in the conference room?!”
I leave the medbay, ignoring how pissed Ratchet is.

I go upstairs to my room and sit on the bed. Looking through my phone. Seeing all the times the three of us were happy results in worrying how things could go. Fearing Drift is right, and I worry about him.

“So, this is where you’ve been?” I hear Drift as he sits next to me. I can’t turn off the screen before Drift takes my phone, “I worry we’ll never see Jamie happy again, and about you. Trying to hide how much this hurts you.”
I don’t know what to say. I refuse to tell him how I feel about this. I’m sure he knows without me saying anything. There’s more he worries about.

Sunstreaker’s P.O.V.
It’s been two hours, something doesn’t feel right. Sideswipe comments through the bond.
Just keep her occupied. They know she’ll start worrying the longer they’re away from her.
I check Jamie’s oxygen level. It’s still at 97%, but I worry it’s only because she’s calm.
Not sure if she’ll let us take her to the cafeteria.

A half-hour passes before Jamie’s guardians walk in. Drift sits by Jamie while Crosshairs sits by me. They’re happy to hear Jamie has been doing fine.
With Jamie’s oxygen level stable, Drift has Jamie walk to the cafeteria. We still take the wheelchair with us.

Several Autobots are happy to see Jamie walking. We know there’s the concern about how frail Jamie is along with being on oxygen, but this is good to see. Add that she’s not trying to hide from the others seeing her.

I’m able to talk to Crosshairs in the kitchen.
“It’s not like you can help,” Crosshairs sighs, “Drift feels so much guilt. Add Jamie’s fear of abandonment.”
“Damn, on top of fear Jamie can’t fully recover.”
“Ratchet talked to psychiatrists at the hospital. It’s half good news.”
“Which is?”
“The fear we’ll abdomen her will ease, but even before the asylum; Jamie feared we’d abandon her. Basically, the only thing that’ll stop is the nightmares that we left her l, and hopefully, she’ll be able to spend time with others without panicking. I don’t know if that’ll get him to stop blaming himself, believing he should have known something was going on sooner.”
“And you?”
“It was hard seeing how she was in the asylum, the coma, how she got sick twice — so far — and we almost lost her. We know how easily she can get sick. I think we triggered her abandonment fear when all we wanted to do was tell her she needs to tell us if she’s not feeling good. Finding out how much Drift blames himself. We should have gone home with her.”
I hate hearing about the mental pain they’re both in. Then there’s Jamie’s. There’s not much anybot or human can do to help them. All Jolt and Ratchet can do is take care of Jamie’s medical needs.

Jamie is ready for bed by the time dinner is done, but she eats while sitting on Drift’s lap.
I see how he’s blaming himself for this, saying nothing. Where’s Rung when you need him?
Even while exhausted, Jamie  agrees to go for a walk after dinner.

We didn’t think she’d be awake to stop at the pond. I sit with Drift while Crosshairs and Sideswipe sit by the pond with Jamie.
“Are you ok?” I ask him.
He sighs, frustrated he’s being asked, “no, I failed her.”
Damn, Crosshairs is right. I don’t think he’ll ever stop feeling this way. He’s shocked that I’m hugging him, but I don’t know what I can say that Crosshairs, the medics, or Optimus have said to him.

“It’s weird seeing you concerned for others,” Sideswipe comments.
“Do you want me not to care? I don’t think there’s much we can do to help both of them unless I’m allowed to find Megatron.”
“Which you were already told no.”