Book 2: The Three of Us

Chapter 10: Secrets Told

Stepping into Kisame's house, I slip my shoes off before entering the main part of the house. Itachi is reading a ridiculously thick book - probably history - on the couch. His sharingan scans each page quickly, reading the book way faster than normal. Kisame's using his lap as a pillow, eyes closed but not asleep. There are bags under his eyes, evidence of him not being able to sleep as well lately. The two of them are taking up most of the couch but there's a small space between Itachi and the arm rest that I can fit in. 

His eyes flutter open as I approach and he gives me a light smile, quietly saying, "Happy you're home." 

I smile back, "Me too." I take the spot beside Itachi and he shifts slightly to make more room. In this spot I'm able to rest my head on Itachi's shoulder while running my hand through Kisame's hair. 

Finishing the chapter, Itachi closes the book and sets it aside. He takes a brief look at me before speaking, "I know that look. You want to talk about something." 

I let out an exhausted sigh. Yes, I did want to talk about something even though I'm mentally exhausted from working in the hospital. We sit in silence before I speak, "I do and it's not exactly a light topic." 

Kisame looks up at me, "This have anything to do with my breakdown?" He says it in a joking way but I know his question is real. 

"Yes, it is. I understand why you didn't tell us what happened to your clan. You didn't say anything because it caused so much pain to even think of it," I take in a deep breath, letting it out quickly before continuing, "I felt hurt at first, angry even, but that quickly passed. Eventually I was just left with overwhelming sadness for how horrible this world can be."

There's a span of silence before Kisame speaks, "After I found out what happened, it changed me. It felt like a part of me was dead. I didn't know how to cope with what I did." 

"It wasn't your fault. You were used," Itachi adds, the words so quiet even being so close we could barely hear him. 

"Even so, I spent so long blaming myself, I couldn't see it any other way. Even now, I struggle to get myself to believe it wasn't my fault," Kisame says, a deep frown making its way onto his face, "After it all happened, I did everything I could to escape the pain. I could only find an escape during battle. I let my enemies tear me apart as I took them down. I never bothered to block there attacks because that pain was the only escape from it all. For so long it was the only time I could feel something that wasn't despair. But eventually the world knew my name and the people who once would try to defeat me would only run away in terror."

His love for battle, how he walked through it like it was a part of himself, it was more then just a fight. It was an escape, his way of coping with it all. But it was also a punishment. Once the adrenaline of the fight wore off he was left to the pain of his injuries. It was self-harm, plain and simple.

Kisame rolls onto his side, leaning into Itachi to hide his face, "Despite wishing I was dead, I could never kill myself. I didn't think I deserved the peace of death. I deserved to suffer. Once the fights dwindled out, I needed a new punishment, a new way to cope," Kisame says, clutching at his left side where I've briefly seen scars littered across his skin.

My heart felt like it was being crushed in my chest as he spoke and all I wanted to do right now was cry. It felt as if I was feeling everything he was feeling. All the pain, regret, horror, shame. All of it. Those emotions found there way inside me and threatened to tear me apart.

"I spent ten years living in hell. Until one day, I had information that Jiraya needed which lead me to meet him. He was the one to give me a chance. He sent me on that journey to collect ingredients for the medicine that helped save Itachi. From there I was able to meet the two of you. I could finally see light in this world. You saved me from the darkness that had consumed me. I'm thankful for every moment I'm alive now. But there are still times when that darkness creeps it's way back into me, telling me I don't deserve to be happy. Opening my heart to others weakened the walls I'd put up around me, and eventually I broke. Eventually everything came tumbling down all at once." 

I continue running my fingers through Kisame's hair, to give myself comfort just as much as I was giving him, "You're starting to heal." 

"Well, it fucking sucks," Kisame says. His blunt response makes me laugh lightly and Itachi's lip lifts in amusement. 

"Now that we're on the topic of exposing ourselves to each other, any other big secrets that need to be shared?" I joke. 

Itachi gives a look of deep thought, "I have one." Kisame sits up and turns towards Itachi, giving him his full attention. 

"That was a joke but if there really is something, please share," I say. 

"I was part of a small group of people that sabotaged the Third Hokage, forcing him to step down as hokage. I also helped assassinated Danzo," Itachi says. 

My mouth drops open in shock, remembering when the third abruptly stepped down and Tsunade became the hokage. Not long after the council member Danzo had died under mysterious circumstances and following that there was major change in the villages government. I was still an academy student back then but I could tell the whole thing was strange. It was easy to tell when watching the looks the older shinobi shared with one another when it was mentioned. 

"Hold up. You can't just drop that and not give an explanation," I say. 

"It's best to start from the very beginning."