Book 2: The Three of Us

Chapter 36: Let Yourself Be Forgiven

It's been a while my lovely readers. Hopefully the next update for this story won't take as long, but as usual, no promises.

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The quiet creak of the door makes me look up from the book I'm reading, a swell of relief and excitement bubbles up in me. With a smile on my face, the words welcome home prepare to be said but stop short when the person walking through the door doesn't announce their arrival. It was late, way past dark and dinner had been cleaned up long ago. The inoshikacho trio was in the guest room, joined by Naruto, Hinata, and Sai. I could still hear them talking quietly with one another. In my room is Kiba, Shino, Neji, Tenten, Rock Lee, and their respected senseis, the silence coming from the room indicating they were probably already asleep. Sasuke was staying the night at his clan compound for the night, and Kakashi and Yamato wouldn't be back from their mission until tomorrow. The only ones that aren't home yet are Itachi and Sakura, and both of them always announce their arrival. 

Unease settles in me at the unknown person that just entered my house. The only thing that stops me from getting up and pulling out a weapon is that their steps are loud enough to indicate that they aren't a shinobi or if they are, a not very good one. Closing the book I was reading, I set it on the table beside the couch I'm sitting on. My gaze stays locked on the doorway that separates the mudroom from the main part of the house, waiting to see just who it was that entered my house. The person who steps through the doorway is the last person I was expecting, and I can already feel the anxiety that starts to build in me. This anxiety - this fear - is what I imagine any sane person would feel before a battle. 

Kina, my sister looks around the house, her gaze stopping on me. Her face is unreadable in the dim lighting of the room. With her feet now only having socks on, her steps are quieter as she makes her way into the living room and towards me. I sit, frozen in my spot, not knowing what to do. All I know is that I can't run away this time. Without a single word, she sits on the edge of the low table that is in front of the couch. 

Facing me, my sister looks down at me in disapproval, the look in her eye making the height difference between us feel more prominent then ever even while sitting, "You've been avoiding me." She speaks in our native language, the sounds jarring but familiar. It feels out of place here, after having not heard it spoken from another in so many years. It pulls me towards a time so long ago. 

In this moment I felt the smallest I've ever been, wishing that I could curl up and disappear from this moment. I'm not ready for this, it's still too soon. The very idea of having a conversation with her makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety. Breathing in deeply, I try to take in air that I feel my body refuses to use. Letting out the breath slowly, it hitches slightly in unease. The tremor in my hands worsen as I ready myself to speak, "I'm not ready for this," I tell her. I can feel myself stumble over the words of my native language, suddenly overwhelmed with the anxiety and fear of not having spoken it with another in what feels like forever. It really has been forever. 

Kina purses her lips as she lets out a heavy breath through her nose, "You'll never feel ready, you need to accept that and stop trying to avoid the inevitable. A lot has happened since we last saw each other and I want to be able to talk to my little brother." 

The back of my throat burns as I take in her words, "I'm not the same person anymore. I've done horrible things, you need to understand that." 

Her voice is soft as she speaks, softer then any of my memories of her, "Neither of us are the same person anymore and the last thing I expect is for you to act like you used to. Plus, I've done horrible things as well." 

"It's different," I choke out, "Innocent people have died because of me." 

Some of the softness disappears from her voice and is replaced by a casual tone that gives me mental whiplash, especially with the thing she admits to doing, "I helped someone conduct human experiments and despite knowing it was wrong, I'd do it again." 

I look up at her in shock, not expecting her to so easily admit to something like that. Despite how casually she says it, I can tell that she feels guilt over doing it. She always covered up and down played things as a kid and it seems that is still present. Only this time it's human experiments instead of punching someone in the face for trying to take her lunch. It's hard to believe that my sister was capable of something like this but she always was good at pushing away her emotions to get unsavory things done. I guess in a way that was one thing that made us similar. 

Even though she never became a shinobi, it was clear that she could be one of the best. The natural talent she had was always far above mine but she never wanted to continue with training. Fighting for her was as easy as swimming was for a Hoshigaki, it was like she was born for it. I can't help but imagine how strong she could of become if she became a shinobi along side me. She'd probably be much stronger then me. 

Unable to continue holder her gaze, I look down at my hands that clench into fists in my lap, "It's my fault our family was killed. I protected intel that aided in the attack. I'm so sorry, I didn't know." 

She lets out a hum of understanding, heavy with grief, "With the way you reacted to seeing me, to finding out I was alive, I expected as much. But it doesn't matter to me if it was your fault or not. I forgive you and I love you, and nothing can change that." 

My chest tightens from her words, the emotions building up in me feeling as if they could rip apart my insides at any moment, "I don't deserve to be forgiven." 

From the corner of my vision I can see her shake her head, "I disagree. Everyone deserves to be forgiven if they put in the work. And knowing you, seeing you serve this village, seeing you work endlessly to help everyone around you, I know you've put in the work and then some. There's nothing more incredible then seeing the way that the shinobi here, and even the civilians look up to you. From the moment I walked into this village, I could tell that the people here are different. Instead of looking at me with fear, they looked at me with curiosity. You're the reason for that, you've done so much good and everyone around you can see that. The only one who can't see it is you." 

Every part of me wants to fight against her words, tell her all the ways that she's wrong. The words jumble around in my mind and all I can get out is, "But-" before I am interrupted. 

Kina puts her finger to my mouth to silence me, the same way she would when I was a child and my overthinking would cause me to ramble, "Let yourself be forgiven." 

After I'm able to control the tears that threaten to fall, the two of us talk late into the night and into the early morning.