Book 2: The Three of Us

Chapter 33: How We Change

The porch creaks quietly as I pace back and forth, mind reeling and trying to process what just happened. Kina is alive, my sister. The person that was my best friend growing up, the person I did everything with before I left the island for the mist village. My baby niece and nephew are alive. I shake my head, no, they weren't babies anymore, they have to be around sixteen by now. It's been over ten years since the massacre, even longer since I've seen them. Would they even remember me? Or was I just someone they only knew through stories? 

My Grandpa is alive still. The idea of that is crazy. He's probably pushing eighty by now. Not super old in comparison to what Hoshiki people were genetically capable of but still much older then most people lived in the shinobi world. Taking in a shaky breath, I continue my pacing, grabbing at my hair and pulling, all trying to keep myself from completely shutting down. It's my fault he had to outlive his own children, the one thing a parent never wants to do. 

Knowing they are all alive is almost worse then thinking they were dead. At least if they were dead I'd only be responsible for them being killed but with this, I'm also responsible for all those years of grief and pain. All my progress for making peace with what happened to my people - to make myself understand and believe that it was out of my control - is all gone. It felt like I was back to the beginning of this all, back to when the shock wore off and I was able to process what happened. The urge to run, to escape, to get away from this all crawled its way to the front of my mind but I stop it before it can take over. I'm not doing that, I' m not running away. This time I have to do better. Running away won't solve anything, just like it didn't solve anything the first time around. 

When I asked Sakura and Itachi for some space -  to let myself think this all through without having to worry about saying something stupid to them - I could tell they didn't want to leave me by myself. But they understood that I need the time to think everything over before even thinking about being around others. Staying in the midst of conflict has never worked for me, it only leads to me shutting down. Looking over at the house, I can see Itachi and Sakura in the kitchen together. Itachi is making tea while Sakura sits on the counter. There's a frown on her face and I can see that she's speaking but I'm unable to hear her from here. 

Turning away before either of them can feel my eyes on them, I look towards the sky and at the colors of the setting sun. It makes me realize that I've been out here for hours, doing nothing but pacing. Everyone currently staying at my house would be returning within an hour and I'm supposed to have dinner ready for everyone by than. Closing my eyes, I stop my pacing to take a deep breath, holding it for a second before exhaling slowly. As much as I wish I could stay out here forever, it was time to go inside. 

Looking down at my hands, I watch as they shake. A constant tremor, only made worse by the stress of everything happening lately. Would I ever heal from everything? Or would I constantly have this tremor that was a clear indication of the trauma I hold? It's been a year since I've been in Konoha and I know I've changed. Everything that was once pushed down, that I pretended didn't happen just so I could get through the next day had come back during my time here. For many years I pretended I was okay, I told myself that none of it bothered me but that was all a lie. My time here has made it look like I've regressed - and maybe I have - but I was finally able to be more then a hallow shell of myself. More than just an unfeeling being going through the motions. 

Clenching my hands into fists, I watch as the tremors worsen momentarily before calming. I'm so much more than I once was. Being with Sakura and Itachi has changed me. They have helped break down the walls around my heart, letting me feel truly alive. Of course I've still struggled with sharing certain things and others have been hurt because of it but I've been working on it. I'm a mess but I'm growing as a person, no matter how ugly it sometimes looks. Half the time I feel like I'm flailing around in the dark, lost and unable to do anything right. There's no step-by-step process to healing, no linear line that will bring me from one point to the next. It's up to me to figure it out, and I know that Itachi and Sakura will be by my side very step of the way. 

Shaking my hands out, I make my way over to the door, sliding it open silently before stepping into the house. Sakura and Itachi's gaze falls on me and they each smile softly. The look of love in their eyes makes my eyes sting with unshed tears. I take a deep breath to quell the overwhelming feeling and make my way into the kitchen. 

Sakura grabs my hand, pulling me closer to her and with her sitting on the counter our eyes are level with one another, "You okay?" Itachi steps behind me, wraps his arms around me and I lean back into his embrace. 

"Not yet but I will with time," I answer, my voice nothing more then a whisper. My brief answer tells them I still need some time before I'm ready to talk, and the understanding in Sakura's eyes shows that she heard my unspoken request. 

Resting his chin on my shoulder, Itachi lets out a breath, "If we had the house to ourself I'd definitely say we should have sex." 

Sakura pulls both of us closer, wrapping her legs around us both, locking us in place, "Or we could just sneak off somewhere." 

A smile pulls its way onto my face, "As fun as that sounds, unfortunately it's my turn to make dinner." 

"They can cope if dinner is a little later than usual," Itachi says, his breath against my ear and his hands wandering up my shirt. All rational thoughts go out the window as Sakura leans forward, our lips meeting and moving together with practiced ease. At once they both pull away, and it takes everything in me not to let out a whine of displeasure. 

Already feeling wound up and uncomfortable in places not appropriate to be while in a kitchen, I frantically start on the preparations for dinner, "Let me put the rice on and then we can continue this somewhere else."