As it was

Chapter 7

I'm not interested in any guy and when I am, I always find reasons to dislike him. Jaden texts me like nothing happened and it's annoying, he's so annoying. A few week ago I saw a tiktok of them, him and his new girlfriend. I don't know why but I cried a lot, I always do. It made me realize that I wouldn't handle it if he was to be in a long, healthy relationship. It would break me.
At the end of the day Jaden became a dream to me, something I could never have. Making him mine became my main focus that I didn't even notice that he didn't want to be mine. It's sad, we've done this shit too many times and never got it right, maybe it's a way of saying that no matter how much you try certain things will never be. A few days ago Jaden tried calling me and I didn't pick up, I was so done with him and shit like that I didn't even reply to his texts and I think I'll continue doing that until he is decided on what he wants I'm not an option for him I'm not a toy which he can play with and use.
Today prince, charity and I went to the movies and foolish I called him because I missed him. He came late, I spent about 30 minutes with him and seeing him was honestly amazing but it's not the same as it was before like the first time it felt different. I was to focus on what we were than actually spending time him. I thought about it for a long time. I honestly don't see a reason to cry for him anymore I mean it hurts but I don't cry anymore I just accept the situation. He always comes back anyways that's what's special about us plus if he doesn't then it is what it is. Jaden is playing games and he is making it very obvious and honestly I don't care anymore. I know he's a liar and I don't believe anything that comes out from his mouth but fuck it you only live once and I just want to do what makes me happy even if it hurts people. I'm done thinking about people, I always did but it never benefits me. I enjoyed spending time with him. While in the car on our way home prince said "I know you were really happy to see him but don't get so excited, I don't want to you to get hurt all over again" to me and then the smile on my face quickly faded because he was right. I knew he was right. I don't want to go back to that time in my life when I couldn't live without him. I'm healing and I think I should focus on that. This boy is slowly destroying me and I know it, I feel it and I don't know why I always go back. I wish he knew how much I suffer and how much I wanted us to work out. Fuck it I'm tired. I'm very aware that I curse a lot. In fact all the time. The thing is that I knew we were never going to work out, we are literally kids and I never believed in love but somehow I still had that little hope in my heart. The hope that made me not give up on us, the one that made us get through everything. Maybe I expected too much from us, after all we're just kids. It's been a week since Jaden and I went out and he hasn't called or texted me. Typical. I wonder why I'm shocked. I'm just so tired wtf, and of course I won't text or call first. Maybe it's time to let him go, as much as it hurts maybe it's time to end it all. End all ties with him and never speak to him ever again. I would try it with him a million times if it means I get to relive those moments and not let him go but unfortunately I can't. Right now my mental health is at stake again and I won't let myself go through what I went to with you before. Letting him go will be healthy for both us but why it still hurt so much does. I think I was more than just in love with you, I also loved the fact that I loved you. The fact that I could love someone so much and I didn't even notice. Why do I always allow myself to be in these situations? Before it didn't hurt as much because I knew he would come back but now I know that even if he comes back I shouldn't go back to him. I don't want to move on, I can't do that I can't let it all just be memories but I have to do it. I'll just have to love you in secret, all by myself. The good news is that I'll never love anyone the way I loved you and the bad news is that I'll never love anyone the way I loved you. It's 01:22 a.m. and I'm sitting in the dark crying and listening to music. I look at my phone for some time and see Jaden with some girl. Wow what a quick way to move on but then again Jaden always told me that he cannot be single for some reason. I always find myself comparing myself with the girls he replaces me with. It's kind of sad honestly. They're all pretty, skinny and fabulous. At times it makes me wonder why he even liked me in the first place because I've got a shitty personality and it's definitely not my looks. Maybe it's because he felt pity for me.