As it was

Chapter 8

At this point so many thoughts are running through my brain and it's not good. I decide to stand up and go wash my face. On my way to the bathroom I accidentally drop the small mirror from my mom's make up kit. I look at the pieces and I know exactly what I'll do next, I know I'll regret this the next morning but still more I look the bathroom door. The next thing I know I'm on the bathroom floor with blood all over my t-shirt, it's nothing new, I'm used to it. After a while I stand up and clean myself and get to bed. The next morning I wake up and the house is quiet. It's a Sunday of course it's quiet. Mom goes to work even on Sundays. So it means I'm home alone. Just to make matters worse, holidays are over so it means I have to be at school tomorrow. I absolutely hate that place. I do not know where my uniform is, my school shoes, my books or bag and I haven't even done my assignments. I'm already feel it, I'll have a bad day at school. Funny because every day is a bad day. I remember that I haven't eaten in a while, I'm hungry but I know whatever I eat I'll just throw it up later on so I don't bother. I check the school groups and I see that this term we'll have swimming classes, it makes me so happy. Swimming is my favorite thing to do, mostly because it's the closest thing to flying. I always feel free when I'm in water. That's the only thing I'm looking forward. After being happy for a whole 6 minutes I remember that charity is going to school today and I haven't seen her. It breaks my heart, I won't be able to talk to her for another 3 months. Fuck! I text her a quick goodbye and apparently she's already on her way, I had a feeling. She always likes to be early to school. I call prince and tell him about how I felt and did yesterday. He understands, he didn't say much, he just listened. I love him so much. "Aliyah I just need you to heal from this" he says after a while. There's a moment of silence for like about 2 minutes. "You know I love you so much, but this boy isn't worth it, he doesn't care about you. You were just available to him" he tells me. I completely understand where his coming from is. I don't say anything but so many things to defend Jaden are running through my head but prince is also right. This day is going bad and it's only 10 a.m. I want to sleep and never wake up again. Mom comes home after some time, she brought food. This day is horrible. I think my mom already knows my eating problem but she still tries and it's sweet of her. We catch up for some time and then I remember that I forgot to do my hair. Shit! There's no way I'm going to school with my natural hair, it's one of my biggest insecurities. One time in grade 6 a girl asked me why I'm mixed and have straight hair. It's not what she said of course, it's how she said it. She said it like it's a problem to have straight hair as a mixed person and from then I realized that a lot of people asked me that. To avoid questions like that I'd always braid my hair. That's what I'm doing right now. Braiding my hair is 10 times better than leaving it like that and combing it every single day. It's too stressful. Ever since I was a small child I've been punctual and organized. I'm never late for anything, even school. Maybe I get it from my mom, she's also like that. I find all my things and put them in order after doing my hair. I don't get why people would rather stress themselves finding things the next morning than doing it the night before. After that I drink water. I love water, that's what probably keeps me alive. I drink about 3 bottles of water a day. I only drink from my special bottle. I said I'm picky. One time I didn't drink water for a week because I lost it and Bruno found it for me? He's the best. I haven't seen him in a while. I don't think I'll do my assignments, I'm too tired for that. I get straight into bed and think of all my problems while scrolling through tiktok. There's three types of eating. The one you do to survive, the one you do because you're hungry and the one you do just because you want too or because it's time too. I personally hate all kinds of eating, don't get me wrong food is amazing but I just feel like its humans poison. I only eat to survive but if it were up to me I wouldn't even eat for the rest of my life. I think not keeping food in me got me to hate it. I rarely eat because I'm hungry or because I just want too, it does happen I promise but not as often as you would think. Two weeks have passed since schools opened and my opinion about it hasn't changed. I'm already exhausted from school and the serious stuff hasn't even began. 4 weeks have passed since I have spoken to Jaden, it's fantastic how you can go from talking every day to not talking at all. I try not to think about him and of course it's hard, I mean he's what I think about every time. Today at lunch while I was writing biology notes in class, a couple came and sat behind and started making out.