As it was

Chapter 18

Charity's school finish their exams before everyone else and that means she'll come home earlier than us. Its fine with me I really just want to see her. I set up her room with balloons and welcome cards and wait for her to come. Her parents are picking her up and it's like a 4 hour drive going and another 4 hour drive coming back. When she comes back I jump on her I love this girl so much. I update her on what's going on and she does too. Just like old times. While we were on her bed cuddling each other she says "you know I just want you to be happy, if he makes you so happy go for it. Nothing special comes easy in life" and I already knew what she was talking about. I'm so scared of him hurting me again and this time I feel like it'll hurt more. The more I'm with him the more it hurts when he does shit.  The next night I think of what charity said and I honestly feel like I don't know what to do but I'm doing it anyway. I get my phone

01:42
Hey are you awake?

A few minutes later I get a reply

💜
Yeah sure. What's up?                         01:44 a.m.

I shake while I try to type because I know whatever I'm going to do right now will change everything.

01:45
Come over please.

Our places aren't far from each other. It's like a fifteen minute walk and a 5 minute drive. I think. A few minutes later I hear a knock on my Window and see Jaden. I love his smile. He's wearing a grey track suit. I was nervous but once I saw him I felt better. "I honestly don't know why I met you but there are times when I wish I didn't. You make me so happy you have no idea, you're my escape from this shitty world I find myself thinking about you every time and I don't know why and even when I don't, I do" I say and he just smiles. I love this boy so much. "I love how we always find a way to come back to each other and I think this always happens because we allow it to. It has to stop Jaden." I continue. " it has to end and it won't until both us end it, it's so painful each time we run back to each other, this is so toxic" at this point tears were running down my eyes and I think he realized what I was going to say. "No Aliyah if we both put time and effort into it we can do this". I remember him telling me once that we wouldn't do this right because of his health and him being the way he is but of course I was too naive to listen and decided to do my own thing. Funny how I'm the one telling him this now, I feel like I've grown a lot these past two years. He made me grow. I look at his teary eyes and I almost rethink it because I think he knows this time it's for real. "I really don't want to do this, you'd expect me to be last person to say this but if something isn't working it's a sign. We're hurting a lot of people. I love you so much but this? This is tiring and I can't keep on doing this anymore." I cry. Maybe we did it wrong, maybe we weren't meant to do it at all but we tried and it didn't work. Look at the results now. "I want to see you happy, with someone who isn't me, I'm a mess. I will never be able to keep you happy and we both know that" I cannot believe these words are coming out of my mouth. "I love you too much to let you be my guardian angel, to let you go through all the things I go through" I really needed him to listen to me because I know once he said something I would rethink my decision and it would all be the same cycle again. At that moment all our memories flashed before me and my heart broke when I realized it'll never happen again. "No one will ever love me like you do Aliyah and I wish I could return the favor, everything you've ever done for me" he says. How do I tell this boy that he changed my life? He just being with me when I'm going through shit will make things better. How do I tell him that ever since he came into my life it hasn't been the same and that I would rather have him with me than anyone else? I decide to stay quiet because I might say something stupid like "fuck it let's just continue this toxic shit" and from the looks of it it's like he wanted me to say that. He leaves and it breaks my heart. In the back of my mind I was telling him to come back. I can't believe this. All I have of him are memories, only memories. It was healthy right? I love him too much to keep him, it would be selfish of me and as much as I want to be I can't, that's not me.