As it was

Chapter 11

I cry so much it even hurts at some point. The next thing I see is a notification from Instagram, I don't bother to open it. I just lay there staring at the ceiling and think of my very miserable life. A few weeks have passed and school hasn't been as bad as I thought. I talked to dad a few days ago about spending the holidays with him. Everything is fine I guess but somehow I still feel empty. Is it because of Jaden? I wonder. Gosh I really wish to get him out of my mind. I think what I love the most about Jaden is that I feel free. We can literally talk about anything and I feel special. I don't feel like I shouldn't say certain things or I should say more. Mom and I have been going out a lot lately and I haven't had time to write or even read books. I've noticed that I'm tired every time I get back from school, I even sleep early. I've been busy with a lot lately. Going out and being a friend has been keeping me busy. The sad thing is that I barely talk to prince, he's also always busy. I don't remember the last time I had some time for myself and I really feel like I'm being very social which isn't bad but that isn't me. I don't want to change, I feel like it's too exhausting. The only good thing is that I don't have time to think of Jaden, I don't understand how people can manage living like this and just to think I don't even have time to study. The next morning I wake up even more tired than the night before, I get dressed and go to school. I don't know but school hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Nowadays I feel like I get eyes wherever I go, maybe it's just me. I still don't eat lunch which is fucked up. I think people have noticed. "Aliyah you never eat, what's wrong?" "I've never seen Aliyah eat anything" is all I hear and of course I reply with "I'm not hungry" or "I'm on a diet". I just feel like outside I'm this person who has such an amazing life but no one except prince really knows how I feel. It doesn't get better, this is all. At times I wonder what life would be like if I were someone else, but then again I just think this life is just fine.
This week has passed really quick it's already Friday. I'm called to the office and a million thoughts go through my brain even though I know I haven't done anything. "Your mom will pick you up today" says the head mistress. A few minutes later mom comes and takes me shopping. Honestly I've never seen my mom this happy and I'm happy if she's happy. She's been going out more lately and spending more time on herself, that's really great. I don't know why I just feel like everything is fine but something is missing. Is it Jaden? Or do I just miss him? I remember I would call Jaden every day after school to tell him about my day. I think he's the only person who didn't mind that I complain a lot. He would listen, it felt nice knowing for the first time I'm the one speaking and there's someone listening to me. I'm usually the quiet one when I'm with my friends, I always listen to them. Whenever he didn't pick up my calls or he was busy I would always imagine what I would tell him, it's kind of weird. It wasn't worth it right?
Lately I've been very close to my older step brother Jeremy. He gives the best advices. Naya and I haven't spoken too I feel like if I text her then it will look like I'm bothering her. Willow and I don't speak anymore I don't even know why. It's something to do with her boyfriend. She always does this, she puts him first. I'm just so upset that she would choose someone who she met a month ago over 3 years of friendship. I'm used to it. I miss charity so much, I write her goodnight messages every night even though I know she won't see them. At this point I'm not close to anyone anymore, I've been so busy to even notice. I don't mind it because I know everything will get back to normal eventually and if it doesn't then its fine, it's not the end of the world. I've learnt to accept things the way they are, I've got a lot of stress so I wouldn't want to add more. I go to bed early that night.
1 notification                                     03:36 a.m.
💜
Hey just wanted to check up on you. Imu

At that moment my heart skipped a beat. I had to read that message 10 times before I replied. At that moment I realized that whatever I replied with was going to affect both us. I typed, deleted and retyped more that I could even count. A few minutes later I decided it's best if I don't reply.
I spent the whole night thinking about him and why he had texted me. I already know what's going to happen, I feel it, and I'll fall for his words and end up going back to him. I just sit on my bed and start tapping my fingers, I don't even know why I'm getting so anxious over a message.