Oh Captain, My Captain: Jonathan Toews

Chapter 4: What We Can't Have

~Finely's POV~

We all sat in the hallway of our hotel, lining the walls. Jonny sat in the middle and messed around on his guitar while everyone else either played on their phone or talked to someone else. Before I knew it, only Jonathan and I remained in the hall.

He looked at me with a lustful gaze and started to play the chords to what he knew was my favorite song. "I'm no singer so bare with me," he joked before belting out the lyrics, "she... she is the words that I can't find. How can the only thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?"

I laughed as he continued to sing to me. Despite what he said he was actually very good. "Jonny, can I ask you something?"

He put the guitar down and scooted over to where I was. He sat close to me and let his finger brush mine.

"Yes Finely?" He asked.

"Do you love her, your girlfriend, do you love her?" I asked.

He looked at me and I could see something in his eyes that wasn't there when he looked at Mille.

"Millie is a fantastic girl but she's not the girl I'm in love with." He explained.

By now our hands were completely intertwined. My legs knotted up with his as we sat in the dark hall of the hotel. "I understand," I said, "so tell me about this girl you love."

"I look at her and everything else disappears. She's beautiful, truly mesmerizing. She's the sun, my life revolves around that girl but I can't have her."

"Why?" I asked.

"You know exactly why I can't have you, Finn." He revealed. I looked up at him and felt my lips begin to move towards his. He kissed my hesitantly but finally realized I wanted it to happen. I could feel him smile against it and I felt myself loving him even more for it.

Jonathan pulled back and began to stand up. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back down next to me, "don't go." I begged.

He shook his head in happiness and pulled me into his embrace. We sat in the darkness for hours until the sun began to rise and he truly had to go before we got by Coach Q.

I walked into my room and showered and changed before walking out to meet the team standing around. Jonathan leaned against the wall wearing black sweatpants and a red shirt that happened to match mine. A laughed slipped from his mouth when he realized we were matching.

"you look beautiful," he whispered into my ear as I passed him. I smiled and walked into the elevator. Sharp, Bickell, Saad, Seabrook, and Crawford all piled in and each hugged me as they entered. They were the brothers I never had, the whole team was but now Jonathan was more.

I couldn't sort my feelings for him while I was around him so I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind and focused on something else. We all walked outside and the boys grabbed the soccer ball while we packed what we needed to before we left for the rink.

I looked over at Jonathan on the phone with Millie. His face was all but happy. I frowned at the sight of him being upset. Was this how he felt when I talked to Walter?

Kane walked up to me, "don't hurt him," he whispered, "he doesn't deserve it. He truly loves you so don't think that Jonny is just a toy for you to pick up when you get bored."

"Patrick, my plan isn't to hurt him. I can't be with him but I promise I'm not trying to hurt him."

He nodded and walked back over to the group while I got onto the bus and settled into my seat. The guys started coming in and Jonny and Patrick plopped down on the seats across from mine.

Jonathan pulled his phone out and began to type something. Seconds later my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and smiled at the text he sent me.

Jonathan: loving how my name looks on your back ;)

I smiled and realized I was wearing one of the team shirts that had his name and number on the back.

Finely: thanks. They were out of Kane's so I got the next best.

I watched as he laughed reading it.

Jonathan: pretty sure my name is the best thing to go with yours.

My heart pounded and I started to respond when a phone call started to come in. Walter's name was on my screen. "Hello." I answered.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"About to leave for the rink."

"Okay." He said before hanging up.

I rolled my eyes and shoved my phone into my pocket as we pulled out of the parking lot. I looked over at Jonathan. His headphones were in his ears and I could tell he was working hard to get in the zone but something was taking his mind from hockey. We pulled into the rink and all the guys started walking towards the back to change into their suits.

I got off and started to unload different things when suddenly the guys started walking off. I smiled as Jonathan walked off and flashed me a grin before walking into a rink. I was failing at keeping my mind off of him.

~first intermission of the game~

I tossed a roll of tape to one of the equipment guys and walked into the locker room. The guys started walking in. I headed for my station so I can stretch Kane back out before next period but Jonathan had other plans. He walked in and grabbed my hand before leading me out the door and into the side hall.

His lips crashed to mine and arms snaked around my waist. I pushed him back.

"I'm married, Toews." I cried.

"And I'm so in love with you that I haven't even focused on the last twenty minutes of my game!" He yelled, "Stop leading me on if this isn't what you want, Finely."

"That's the thing, it's exactly what I want but I can't have it! We can't do this."

He sighed and walked back into the locker room, slamming the door behind him. I wiped a tear from my eye and walked in to help Kane. I watch as Jonathan put his headphones in and started taking deep breaths. I picked my phone up and clicked on our messages.

Finely: I love you...

I watched as he read it then put his phone back on the bench.

"He'll get over it," Patrick explained, "he just isn't sure how to handle you."