Oh Captain, My Captain: Jonathan Toews

chapter 6: and i let go

the whiskey pushed through my veins like fire, burning my blood and intoxicating me with every second it filled my bloodstream. the bar was dark and gloomy. i watched as my glass made a water ring on the coaster.

the bartender sent another glass my way and took the one I had just finished off.

"hey man can you get me a shot of patron while you're at it?" I asked.

he nodded and slid a small shot glass and a lime my way. I threw it back before getting up and walking out of the bar. i unlocked my truck and climbed into the drivers side to head back to Chicago.

my phone buzzed again and the fifth missed call from Kaner lit up my screen. I scrolled through and noticed all the texts and calls from the team but the ones that stood out were from Finn.

I punched in Patrick's number before pulling out of the grungy parking lot.

"dude where the hell are you?" he demanded. I could here his car radio in the background

"I'm on my way home," I promised, "I'm sorry, Pat."

"I'll be at your place when you get here."

I took the phone from my ear and hesitantly dialed Finn's number.

"hello." she answered promptly.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, "I didn't really give you much of an explanation and I'm sorry."

"I love you, Jonathan, but I'm not just leaving him because I want you. I'm leaving because I need to." she explained.

"I don't want to rush into it. get out of his house. date people and if I'm still what you want then we can give us a shot." I explained, "I love you too Finely but you need to be sure I'm what you want."

"that's the thing, Jonny, you are what I want. you are everything I've ever wanted." she begged.

I sighed and looked at the road in front of me trying to focus with tears building up in my eyes.

"I need you to focus on yourself right now. please just focus on yourself because I need to focus on something other than the girl I would give up hockey for." I hung up and launched my phone to the passenger floor board.

2 months later:

her hands skimmed his side as he held her the way I used to. I dropped my bag on the ground and watched her kiss him.

she looked over at me and her eyes went dead. she despised me.

I pushed my costa's up the brim of my nose and straightened my tie. Kane walked over to me and noticed the way I was looking at Finley and Andrew.

"you let her go, now move the hell on!" he demanded.

I looked down at my shoes and shoved my earbuds into my ears. we all walked onto the plane and sat down. I turned the volume up on my music and drowned out the team. I could see Finn looking over at me through the corner of my eye.

there was no doubt I still loved her but I screwed up and now paid for that mistake every time I saw her look at him.

we landed a few hours later and I rushed off the plane. I looked over at Andrew eying me from his spot next to Finley.

"can I help you?" I asked.

his eyes grew wide and realized there was nothing he could say to me. I nodded and walked away.

once we reached the hotel I changed from my suit to gym shorts and a hoodie and went running. i trotted to the elevator and sighed realizing that Finn was waiting there too.

I stood a few feet from her and waited for the doors to open. they parted and we both walked in. I pressed the ground floor button and the doors began to close. just before they shut I looked over at Finn and pushed her against the elevator wall. she looked into my eyes and let out a deep breath before letting our lips touch.

my mouth formed to hers and I let myself remember the way it used to be. she pressed her palms to my stomach and pulled a fistful of my t-shirt into her hands.

"Jonathan," she breathed, "we can't. baby we can't."

i looked down at her green eyes looking up at me. tears were welling up and I could tell she was losing it.

I opened my mouth to speak but the ding of the elevator stopped me. she pushed me out of the way and stormed over to Andrew's side.

I pressed my hand to the door and went out to jog my way through Detroit.