Tw: self harm and suicidal actions.
Vanessa June 2023
It has been three years since Luis has died. In that time, Lilliana went back to work. Luis had life insurance but she couldn't afford to not work. She is currently teaching middle school music and loves it. Usnavi and I moved to the same building as Lilly and the twins so we can be there to help when needed.
Jaime and Usnavi have been okay since Luis died. Usnavi really misses his dad some days. Especially when he is struggling with the kids or with his job. Those tend to be the days I come home and find him crying.
As for Marisol, she is really struggling. Her and her dad were really close. She hides it well from her family, but I see the pain in her eyes. She has become withdrawn and sad.
"Usnavi, we need to go if we are going to make it on time for you brother and sister's graduation."
"I'm coming. Little man here needed a diaper change."
Little Daniel was born in April. We consider naming him Luis, but the loss of Usnavi's dad is still too raw in our family. Marisol shuts down at the mention of her father. We didn't want to upset her even more. We figure we will know when the time is right. Instead, we named him after Mom.
Usnavi picks up Daniel and hands him to me.
"How is my little man?"
He starts to root at my chest.
"Little man, you are going to have to wait until we get to the school. We are already running behind. Besides, you are half an hour ago."
Usnavi picks up Daniel again. "Yeah little man, I like them too."
I blush and laugh. "You are bad."
He laughs and kisses me. "Yes, but you love it."
I lean in and give him a kiss. "Yes I do. That is why we have four already."
We arrive at the high school and see Lilliana and Jaime waiting for us.
"Hi mom. How are you?"
She smiles but I see the sadness in her eyes. "I'm okay. I'm so happy for Marisol and Jaime today."
"I wish dad where here," Jaime says sadly.
"Yeah, me too. He would be so happy for you two," Lilly says sadly.
"Where is Tiny?" Usnavi asks.
"She went to the restroom. She told me to tell you she will see you after." Lilly says. "Can I hold Dan?"
"He is getting hungry. I was going to feed him when we get seated and then you are more than welcome to take him."
"Sounds good. Let's go get seated."
When it comes time for Jaime and Marisol to line up, I see Jaime but not Mari.
"Where is your sister?" Lilly asks.
"I have no idea."
"I'll go find him. You guys watch Jaime get his diploma," I tell them.
"Thank you Vanessa," Lilly says squeezing my hand.
I walk out and walk to every bathroom I can find. I don't find her. I then decide to look around outside. When I get to the back of the school, my heart breaks by what I see. I find Marisol cutting her arms. Her gown looks like it has been stomped on and her cap is in two pieces beside it.
"Marisol, what are you doing?"
She jumps and drops her razor blade. I pull off my scarf and wrap it tightly around her arm.
"Why are you doing this honey," I ask gently.
"I can't do it anymore!" She cries.
"Do what?"
"Go in there and act happy. I can't pretend to be happy to graduate when I'm not. I'm tired of acting happy to be alive. I don't want to be alive anymore. I hate my life." She cries. "I miss my dad and I just want to be with him again."
My heart breaks at her words.
"Your dad would not want you to feel like this. He would want celebrating with your family today."
"How would you know what he would want," she snaps.
"I have known your parents for as long I can remember. Your parents are like my second parents. Your dad loved to celebrate these big occasions. He threw me a party after I finally graduated. I hadn't talked to him in over a year and a half but afterI graduated, he took my family out to celebrate. You were there for Usnavi's graduation. He always threw an over the top party."
"Yet he had to die before mine!" She snaps again. "It's not fair. I want my dad back!"
"I know. I know you do. So does Usnavi and Jaime. Marisol, hurting yourself is not going to bring your dad back. You have a whole family in there worried about you. They only want the best for you. They want you to be happy and healthy too. This is going to shatter Usnavi's heart. You are just as important to him as the kids are. He only wants the best for you. If something were to happen to you, it would destroy your family. You are so precious to all of us."
She allows me to wrap her in my arms and she breaks down into sobs. She crumples and I get on the ground with her and hold her. It doesn't take long for the rest of the family to find us.
"Mari, baby, what's wrong?" Lilliana asks, getting on our level and stroking her hair.
"I'm sorry mommy. I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it anymore."
Lilliana looks to me for explanation.
"Lilly, we need to go check her into a hospital. She is not well."
I show Lilly her arms. Lilly's face breaks and she kisses her daughter's arms.
"It's okay baby. We will get you help."
"Mommy, hold me."
Lilliana takes my place and holds Marisol close to her. I walk over to Usnavi and Jaime. "Call a cab. I'm going to help Lilly get Mari checked into a hospital. You and Jaime take the kids home. I know you want to stay with your sister, but I need to tell the doctor all the told me. Someone has to stay with the kids and today is Jaime's graduation. You guys go celebrate the best you can."
Usnavi nods and hugs me. "Thank you for taking care of my sister."
"She's like a sister to me as well. I know an amazing doctor who can help her."
Usnavi nods, tears forming in his eyes. He pulls out his phone and calls for a taxi. When it arrives, he picks up Mari and kisses her head. "I love you Tiny."
"I love you too Bubba."
He helps her in the cab, followed by Lilly. I kiss him before getting in. I tell the driver what hospital to take is to. Lilliana and I get Mari checked in a few hours later. As we check her in, we find out she has attempted suicide before. She will initially spend three days with no visitation. After, we will see her twice a week. She will spend a minimum of two weeks there. After two weeks, they will re-evaluate.
As me leave the hospital, Lilliana looks heartbroken. I wrap an arm around her and she lays her head on my shoulder.
"How did I not see how bad she is hurting?"
"She hid it well. I could see she was struggling it I didn't see how bad it was and I am training to see it."
"I'm her mother! I should have known something is wrong!"
"You did the best you can. You were dealing with the grief of losing the love of your life. You also have to help deal with the grief of your children. You and your children have been through a lot. You are doing amazing."
Lilliana wipes her eyes and lays her head on my shoulder. "Thank you Vanessa. Thank you for being there for my daughter."
I lean over, kiss the top of her head, and rest my head on hers. "I love you guys like my own family. I love you like a mom. Thank you for raising such amazing children."
Marisol ends up spending a month in the hospital. When she gets out, she is more like her old self. She will continue to go to therapy but we can see her old self coming back, just a little different.
