Vanessa January 2013
My moms and I have been in California for about two weeks now. We found our new house last week. It is a nice three bedroom house in of San Diego. We live right on the beach. Mom still runs her office but she does it remotely. Her plan is to go back to New York once a month.
As for me, life has not been that much easier. I am always looking over my shoulder. I'm terrified to go out in public. My moms have been at my side nearly 24/7 and I feel almost suffocated. Then, I feel guilty for feeling that way. I can't imagine what my moms were feeling while I was gone.
Another guilt I deal with is that Mami misses her salon job. I can see it in her face. Mami doesn't have to work. She could be a stay at home mom any time she wanted. The thing is, she loves working in the salon. It brings her joy. Her and mom met working at the same salon before I was born. That is what mom did before she started her add agency. Now, all Mami seems to do is sooth me from my night terrors or worry about me constantly.
The worst part is, I am due any day with a baby, I'm not sure I want. I'm not ready to be a mom. I always imagined my first child with be with Usnavi. I never imagined I would be raped and forced to have another man's baby. It might be one think if I knew who the father was. It will likely be impossible to tell even after the baby is born. Both men had green eyes and blond hair. They were about the same complexion as well. I just wish I would have never gone out that night. I wish I would have stayed home like Usnavi wanted to. I had to be the one to say I wanted to have sex.
"Girl, you are never going to see your loved ones again. Also, the moment that baby comes out, you will never see him again either."
"PLEASE! Let me go! I want my moms. All I want is my moms!"
I wake up screaming.
"Vanessa, Mija, everything is okay. Wake up baby. You are just having a bad dream again," Mami says, soothing my hair.
I feel her hand touching my head and remember that is what John did every time he held me down while Matthew took me. I jump up, as much as a girl nine months pregnant can, and feel my skin crawl.
"Please don't touch me," I cry.
"I'm sorry Mija. I didn't mean to trigger you. You were screaming.
The face Mami has is a face a brokenness. Before I can say anything, I feel tight cramping in my belly. It is enough to double me over.
"Vanessa, baby, are you okay?"
I catch my breath and nod.
"Baby, are you in pain?" She asks, coming over to me.
I nod.
"Has this been going on for a while?"
"I had a few cramps before I fell asleep." I say, beginning to shake.
Mami walks over and hugs me. "Hey, it will be okay. It could just be Braxton Hicks. You're not due for another two weeks or so. Let's go sit on the couch and I will time them."
"I'm not ready Mami. I don't even know if I want this baby!"
Mami hugs me tight. "Shh, it will be okay. Your mom and I will still offer to take care of the baby until you decide. Your mom and I will support you no matter what Mija. I love you so much my sweet Vanessa."
Mami kisses me on the head and hugs me tight. She leads me to the couch and holds me tight.
Twenty six hours later, I am in the hospital. Once we figured out I was in labor, we called mom. She has been delayed several times. Last time we called, she was sixty minutes away.
Currently, I'm not in any pain. I got my epidural a few hours ago, so I have been able to sleep.
"Vanessa, Mija, time to wake up. The doctor wants to know if she can check you."
I stretch and wake up.
"What Mami?"
"The doctor needs to check you baby."
I nod. "Mami, is Mom here yet?"
"Not yet baby. She called two minutes ago. She was ten minutes car ride away."
"Vanessa, you are at 10 centimeters. It is time to push."
This wakes me up quick. "No! I can't push yet. Mom isn't here!"
"I'm sorry Vanessa. This baby is coming. There is nothing we can do to stop him."
"No! Please! I need my mom. I can't do this without Mom."
"Baby, look at me. Mom will be here soon. Pushing tends to take a little while anyways. She has time baby. Don't stress. You don't want to hurt your own little one," she says, laying a hand on my belly.
"I'm scared Mami. I'm not ready to be a mom but I don't want to give up my baby. What do I do?" I ask her crying.
Mami kisses my head and hugs me tight. "Right now, you have this baby. After he is here, we will decide what our next steps will be."
I nod and she wipes the tears flowing down my face. The nurses get me into the correct position and Mami holds my hand.
"You got this baby. I am right here and Mom will be here soon."
"Promise you won't leave me Mami?"
She kisses me one more time. "I'm not going anywhere baby. Now, push."
I nod and push when the doctor tells me to.
