Usnavi December 2012
I wake up and I have a pounding headache and my eyes are burning. I look around and see my room is trashed. I also see Tiny sleeping soundly next to me. I snuggle her close as last night's events come back to me. I kiss her head and she wakes up.
"Hi Bubba!"
"What are you doing here tiny?"
"You had a bad night. After dad sent me back to bed last night, I heard you crying and came to sleep with you. Why are you so sad Usnavi? Mom and dad wouldn't tell me last night."
"I'm not sad Mari. I'm actually really happy."
"Why did you trash your room?"
"I... I don't really know. I guess I got really overwhelmed."
"What happened?"
"Marisol, they found Vanessa."
"Really! Is she okay?"
"All I know is the she is safe. That is all dad told me last night."
Dad walks in just at that moment.
"Good morning. How are you this morning?"
I shrug and look at him. "My head hurts. Can I get some medicine?"
"I will get it. I need you to get dressed. We are headed to the hospital in about an hour."
My stomach clenches.
"Dad, are we going to see Vanessa?"
"Princess, today it is just going to me Usnavi, Mom, and I. You and Jaime are going to stay with a friend today. We will be back tonight."
"But I want to see Vanessa!"
"I know Princess, but I feel it will be better if we keep our group small. Vanessa has been through a lot. Maybe you will see her next time."
"But daddy!"
"Hey, I will tell her hi for you. It will be okay."
Mari pouts but nods.
An hour and fifteen minutes later, the three of us are walking into the hospital. As we walk in the doors, my anxiety skyrockets and I feel like I can't breathe. Mom stops me and turns me towards her.
"Hey, deep breath."
"What if she hates me mom? What if she blames me for everything?"
"She doesn't baby. She asked to see you. Clearly she missed you."
"You think so?"
Mom touches my cheek and kisses my forehead. "Yes. Now, let's go see her."
I feel dad's hand on my back and feel reassured. I wipe the tears that have fallen and take a deep breath. We take the elevator. Mom and dad seem to know where we are going.
As we turn a hallway on the fourth floor, I realize we are on a maternity floor. Before I can question it, I see Daniella and Carla waiting in the hallway. My heart pounds when Carla turns to us and smiles. Mom walks over to her and hugs her tight.
"I am so happy for you two. How is Vanessa?"
"She is resting right now. Usnavi, you can go in and see her, if you want. She is eager to see you again."
My heart pounds as I nod. I knock and I hear Vanessa's voice for the first time in a year and a half. My breath catches but I slowly open the door. I see her and my breath catches. She is so pale and very thin. Well, most of her is thin. She has a very prominent baby bump. When she sees me, her face lights up and I see my old Vanessa again. She reaches out to me and I rush to her. We hug and she clings to me. We hold onto each other and cry.
"It's you! Oh my god, it is really you!" I cry.
"I was so scared I would never see you again," she cries. "Did they hurt you bad, when they took me," she asks, touching the scar by my eye. "I saw them hit you and you fell. I didn't know if you were alive or not. All I could do is hope you were okay.
"Not too bad. I did have to spend a month recovering, but what about you? What did they do to you?"
She notices me looking at her belly and tears form in her eyes.
"It was two guys. They locked me in a small shed. They ... they forced himself on me every so often. Occasionally, the one man would beat me, but never too bad. I was mostly left alone." She says, touching her belly. "The doctor says I am due in about a month."
I feel a lump form in my throat. Tears fill my eyes and she notices. She hugs me close again.
"I'm so sorry Vanessa. I'm sorry I couldn't stop them. I should have fought more."
"There was nothing you could have done." She says, crying with me.
"Maybe I could have put the sunblock on better. Had you not gotten so burned, we would have gone to the hotel. We would have been safe and you wouldn't...be here. "
"Please, I can't do the what if game. Just let me hold you right now. I don't blame you and never will. I love you so much Navi and have missed you more than words can say."
We hold each other and talk for for about ten minutes when she looks at me.
"Usnavi, there is one more thing I have to tell you."
"What is it Elizabeth?"
She sigh and takes a deep. "Mom is moving us to California tomorrow."
"Oh! I understand. I imagine it is hard to feel safe here right now. Especially since they haven't caught the men who took you. My phone number and everything is still the same. Is yours?"
"That's the other thing I want to talk to you about. I don't blame you, but I need some time. My therapist thinks it will be best for me to take some time to just be with family. I am also going to have a new baby, and be trying to graduate high school. I just... I can't have any distractions. I'm sorry Navi. Maybe after a while, I will call, but not right now. Please don't be mad."
"I.. I'm not. I understand."
She touches my cheek and kisses my hand. "I still love you."
I nod but can't say anything. I notice her getting tired and hug her one last time. "Get some sleep. I love you Vanessa. You know how to get ahold of me if you need to or want to."
She gives one final squeeze and lays back.
"Hold my hand, until I fall asleep?"
I nod and it only takes her five minutes to fall asleep. I look at her and then walk out. When I get out there, I see mom and dad talking with Daniella and Carla. When Carla sees me again, she walks over and hugs me tight.
"She doesn't blame you. She just needs time."
I nod again and let her hold me. "Usnavi, we don't blame you either. I know you blame yourself but there is no need for any of that."
On our way home, mom sits and holds my hand.
"Usnavi, I want to talk to you. I think you need to consider going to therapy. This has been a lot and last night showed us that you have not been coping with it well."
"I'm fine mom."
"No you're not. You trashed your room last night. Now, with Vanessa okay but leaving again, I can see you are still not okay. You need to talk with someone about everything."
"Mom... I ..."
"Just think about it, okay?"
I nod and then lay my head on her shoulder. She bends her head and kisses me on the temple.
"I love you Usnavi. Things will be okay. I know you are sad about Vanessa moving to California, but I don't believe it will be forever."
I just shrug and let the tears fall from my eyes. She kisses my head again and holds my hand. I feel like a little kid but I need my mother's comfort.
After a week of feeling bad for myself, I finally decided I have moped around enough. I throw myself into my school the following semester. I eventually agreed to go to therapy after a particularly bad nightmare. Mari came in and tried to comfort me but my arms were flailing and she was hit in the face. It broke her nose and she was afraid of me for about a month. After that night, I knew I couldn't risk her any more pain. I still miss Vanessa like hell, but at least I know she is safe.
