Never Summer Again

Chapter Seventeen - Winners Losers

Score: Just a Dream - Nelly

Mark

I walk away from Gloria's house as fast as I can.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

When I reach the low fence, which separates the grounds of the Hollands' estate from the adjacent fields, I stop and lean with my hands on the fence, my head between my shoulders. I try to take deep, long gulps of air, but I am choking on my own breath. My heart is pounding so loud against my chest, they could probably hear it over at my fathers'.

I pop the champagne bottle in my hand open and take a long swig, emptying half of it in one go. So much for savouring it some other night...

Fuck...

Still out of breath, I lean on the fence again. I need to calm down.

Tonight didn't go as planned, at all. I went to Gloria's birthday party to get away from the chaos in my head, the result of my dad's atrocious request for me to be his best man, only to fall into way, waahay deeper shit.

"Fuck!" I yell and kick the fence. It creeks ominously and I curse again, lower this time. "Fuck!"

This shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have kissed her again! I never should have kissed her. And by never, I mean never, including that night in Italy...

Damn Gloria, thinking that she's so smart with that dare!

Though she couldn't have known...

No one must know!

I had done so well for the past two years, before that night we took Diana to the ER and I kissed Lydia in the car. I thought I'd moved on. I thought coming back and seeing her again wouldn't be so tricky because so much time had passed...

What a bloody fool! The moment she wrapped her small arms around my shoulders and her legs around my waist at the leavers' party, I felt the old, rusty knife, stuck in my chest, twist between my ribs and sink a few inches deeper.

That should have been my warning. I should have stayed away from her, should have made it my purpose to keep as far away from her, as possible, but instead, I've used every chance I got to be close to her. I have been so fucking weak!

Fucking pussy! I kick the fence again and the wood groans in protest.

I have been acting like a fucking junkie, who can't get enough... Going into town for no reason, apart from seeing her, agreeing to pick up her notes for Gloria, going for coffee...I can't stay away from her. And even when I don't see her, her eyes, the pitch-black of the night sky before dawn, with a million stars sparkling in them, are burning in front of mine...

I shake my head to chase away the unwelcome image, to no avail.

I am back where I was two years ago, only worse because now I know she has feelings for me, too, yet she can never be mine. She could have never been, but now it's like she's from a different world and no matter how hard I try to get closer to her, she's only slipping further away from me.

And I've been so selfish, dragging her to me and then pushing her away like a fucking coward...

Because I could never possibly tell her the truth. She can never know what happened in Italy...

So I need to push her away from me. I need to drive her cold, because, I swear to God, if she keeps coming close, if she reaches out to me again, I will not have the strength to run away again, like I did two years ago. So, I must make her run away from me, and never look back.