Stumble

Chapter 4

Clary and I were always together during meetings. Sa kanila ako sumasama kapag may activities ang CAL. Napalapit na rin ang loob ni Clary kina Patricia at Iggy dahil kay Guia. Nalaman ko na lang na magkakilala na pala sina Iggy at Guia at palagi pang magkausap. I couldn't believe it at first. I guess the social butterfly Guia always finds a way to build connections.

It was never easy to develop new friendships but the joy and comfort makes the investment worthwhile. When it comes to Clary and Guia, I didn't have a hard time. I felt a greater sense of belonging with people with the same interests and passion as me.

I was sitting on a bench just outside the CAL office. My first class will be at 12:30 and it's only past 11 in the morning. Katatapos lang ng meeting namin para sa upcoming events. When I saw that no one was paying attention, I took out the packet of my prescribed medicines. I swallowed two different tablets simultaneously and followed with a gulp of water.

"Para saan 'yon?"

Napalingon ako kay Clary nang lumapit siya. Buti na lang at nalunok ko na ang tubig dahil kung hindi ay naibuga ko iyon sa gulat.

"Vitamins lang."

Tumango-tango si Clary. Umupo siya sa bench sa tabi ko at ibinaba ang bag niya para ayusin. "Papasok ka na ba?"

"Mamaya pang alas dose. Hihintayin ko sina Iggy at Pat," sabi ko habang nag-aayos ng mga gamit sa loob ng bag ko.

"Nakahanap ka na ng partner sa contest?"

Natigilan ako. Muntik ko nang makalimutan ang tungkol doon. Ilang linggo na lang at gaganapin na ang contest. Nakausap ko na si Allen pero nakahanap na siya ng ibang partner bago pa man din ako magsabi.

"Not yet."

"Kung pwede lang sanang partner na lang kayo ni Guia, kaso facilitator siya eh. Hindi mo ba natanong 'yung iba?"

"May partner na silang lahat. Kung hindi ako makakahanap... hindi na lang din siguro ako sasali."

"Hoy, hindi pwede," she gave me a look. "Inaabangan ni Sir Marcus ang gawa mo."

"Ikaw din naman."

Bumuntong-hininga si Clary at umupo sa kabilang dulo ng bench. "Natatakot kasi akong sumali..."

"Why?"

"Kasi pakiramdam ko hindi naman sapat ang skills ko, lalo na't prestigious competition iyon," pag-amin niya. "Hindi naman ako sanay magkulay."

"Tutulungan naman kita."

Nilingon ako ni Clary at ngumiti. "Thanks for the offer, pero... nahihiya ako dahil baka mahila lang kita pababa. Hindi naman ako nananalo kahit noon pa, eh."

Naalala ko dati, nagdadalawang-isip din akong sumali sa mga ganito. The pressure, the price of art materials, the judgements––those things scared me. Joining contests was a leap out of my comfort zone.

Pero naalala ko ang sinabi sa 'kin ni Papa dati. Hangga't alam mong masaya ka sa ginagawa mo, ituloy mo lang. Hindi na mahalaga kung magaling ka roon o hindi. It's always the experience that counts. The sense of fulfillment when you do what you love will always be priceless.

"Don't underestimate yourself," I told her. "Hindi naman dahil talo ka, hindi ka na magaling. Masaya nga magkaroon ng award, but the experience, regardless of winning or losing... it will retain in your memory for a long time."

"Hindi naman ako naghahangad ng award... Pakiramdam ko lang, masasayang lang ang oras at pagod ko. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not good at things I'm passionate about... Alam mo 'yon?"

Clary turned at me. She placed her hands on the bench and shifted on her seat, eager to share more about herself.

"I can't find enough reason to continue joining contests."

I pursed my lips and stared in front. I understand where she was coming from. "We cannot stay motivated and enthusiastic all the time," I said. "But we can always choose to be committed to the passion we are pursuing."

"What for?" she asked, laughing a little even though her eyes tell the opposite. "I feel like I'm slowly losing my spark."

"When the fire starts to fade, we should rekindle it," I meaningfully told her. "There may be times that our fire may flicker. But... as long as we do whatever our heart truly desires, the fire inside us will never die."

Natahimik si Clary at tumango-tango. "You're right. But in this case... I find it hard to pursue my passion, to kindle my flame. Ang hirap kapag wala ka nang tiwala sa sarili mo, tapos hindi ka pa suportado ng magulang mo..."

I see. That's why she's pessimistic and afraid to take risks. She just didn't want to make her parents disappointed.

"Along the way, mayroon talagang mga taong hindi naniniwala sa atin... Pero patunayan mo sa kanila na sa sining, may mararating ka. Find what puts your soul on fire and keep it burning. And someday, you'll look back and be glad that you did not give up."

Natahimik ulit si Clary at tumitig sa malayo. Then she looked at me and gave me a small smile. "Thanks for the advice."

"So... will you join the contest now?" I jokingly said, still longing to hear a 'yes' from her.

"Hmm... pag-iisipan ko muna."

"Okay," I gave her a timid smile. Tumayo ako at kinuha ang bag ko. Naghihintay na yata sina Pat at Iggy sa akin sa canteen. "Una na ako, Clary. Just hit me up when you have already decided."

Clary waved goodbye. Maglalakad na sana ako palayo, nang may biglang sumagi sa isipan ko. I turned around.

"Before I forgot," I unzipped my bag and reached for something inside. "Matagal na 'to sa akin eh, lagi kong nakakalimutan. Is this yours?"

Clary was shocked to see the black sketchbook on my hand. Tumayo siya at kinuha ito mula sa akin. "Bakit nasa 'yo 'to?"

Natigilan ako dahil sa reaksyon niya. "Napulot ko sa CR. Nahulog mo yata."

"Binuksan mo ba 'to?"

"Uhm..." I looked away, feeling guilty. "Oo."

She was silenced. Ipinasok na niya sa loob ng kanyang bag ang sketchbook at nginitian ako. Her expression changed in just a matter of seconds. "Ang tagal ko nang hinahanap 'to. Thank you, ah."

"I'm sorry," I said as I swallowed hard. "Do you mind if I ask? Ikaw ang gumawa ng mga drawing diyan, 'di ba?"

That question made her silent. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang inaasahan kong sagot mula sa kanya.

"Kapag ba sinabi kong oo, matatakot ka?" tanong niya pabalik.

I blinked twice.

"Hindi..." I answered. Because it's her artistic expression and I understand it. "Art can express feelings more than words could ever do."

Bahagya siyang ngumiti at alam kong may halong pait ang ngiting iyon.

"They don't look nice, but art wasn't supposed to look nice. It was supposed to make you feel something, right?" dagdag ko.

"Ano'ng naramdaman mo?"

My eyebrows creased dahil hindi ko agad nakuha ang sinabi niya. "Huh?"

"Ano'ng naramdaman mo nang makita mo kung ano ang nasa loob?" she stared at me thoughtfully, eager to hear my answer.

I was silenced for a few moments, contemplating which feeling was apparent the moment I saw her drawings. I looked at her and replied, "Misery."

Napatitig siya sa sahig at tumatango-tango.

"You're right," she whispered. Humugot siya ng buntong-hininga at saka nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. "Iyon din ang nararamdaman ko."

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