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Chapter 15

Clary's POV

"Hindi ko na kaya, Guia..."

Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang araw akong umiiyak kaya pakiramdam ko natuyuan na ako ng luha. Wala na akong nararamdaman. Bumalik na sa normal ang paghinga ko pero mabigat pa rin ang dibdib ko. My eyes can't shed a tear anymore. I could just stare into blank space. My mind is too clouded with thoughts I can't even explain.

Guia was staring at me helplessly. Inayos niya ang kwarto niya at naglabas ng isa pang kutson para may matulugan ako. Nakaupo lang ako roon, tulala, pinapanood siyang mag-ayos ng mga unan at kumot.

"What can I do to make you feel better?" umupo siya sa tabi ko at nilagay ang kamay niya sa likod ko. Halos lahat ay ginawa na niya para sa akin. Pinahiram ako ng damit. Sinuklayan. Naghanda ng matutulugan ko. Nagluto ng mainit na sabaw para makakain ako. Nahihiya na ako sa naidulot kong abala.

Umiling ako. "Sapat na sa 'kin 'yong nandiyan ka..."

Napatitig ako sa bandage na bumabalot sa mga braso ko. Hindi ako makakilos. Ni hindi na ako makapagsalita. Ayaw kong sabihin kay Guia ang dahilan sa takot na hindi niya ako maintindihan. Hindi ko pa alam kung saan ako huhugot ng lakas para ipaintindi sa kanya, kung ako mismo ay hindi maintindihan ang sarili ko. Malabo sa akin ang lahat.

"I-text mo kaya ang papa mo?" mungkahi ni Guia. "Mag-aalala 'yon sa 'yo."

Umiling ako at inilagay ang mga palad ko sa noo. Kahit ang pagdampot ng phone ay hindi ko magawa. Wala akong lakas para kausapin si Papa. Ayaw kong makita niya akong ganito.

"Sige, ako na lang... Sasabihin kong dito ka matutulog para sa group project."

As much as it messes up with my head and as much as it destroys me, I always choose not to tell too much. During times like these, I feel the need to detach myself from anyone, afraid that I'll just turn out to be a burden.

I want to keep my distance from my friends. I don't want them to get involved with the chaos inside my head. I don't want them to try to fix me when I can't even pick up the broken fragments of myself.

People often tell me that I just need to hold on and everything's going to be fine. It's easy for them to say. Sana nga ganoon kadali iyon. I have been holding on all my life, waiting for the universe to take it easy on me... pero hanggang kailan ako maghihintay?

No one... no one would understand the feeling of waking up in the morning or in the middle of the night, sweating, panting, awakened by another nightmare. Ilang gabi na akong paulit-ulit na nananaginip pero wala akong magawa.

Terrified and crying in my room, surrounded by darkness and demons—that's where I have been in these past few days. I still hear her thundering voice. I still see how she looked very weak but enraged. I still remember her bloodshot eyes and death stare.

My body is trembling in fear just by thinking of it. Gabi-gabi iyong nangyayari. Gusto ko lang na patahimikin na niya ako. I want to put an end to this, that's why I'm breaking all of my connections with art. If it is the only way to silence her voice, I will do it, even if it means giving up my passion. From now on, I will be avoiding the things she doesn't want me to do.

I don't seek happiness anymore. I just want to live in peace.

I just want to stop it. I want to end the pain because it never stops haunting me... Until I just found myself at that point, shivering and crumbling inside.

I grew up with the idea that one day I'll finally snap and be brave enough to kill myself. I thought yesterday was that day. When I saw that nobody's inside that restroom, and nobody's around the area, I took the chance, because no matter how long I try to suppress my emotions, darating at darating ang puntong gusto ko na lang maglaho.